STOP! No More Getting Excited!

Okay okay enough is enough ...

I have a confession to make!

So before all of you get too excited from the last entry!

I MUST tell the truth!

Mark went like psycho last night!

I am so serious!

He called 40 times within a half hour!

NO JOKING!

My best friend Lisa was there and was like DAMN!

I was ready to PAY someone to take my phone!

I was so damn frustrated!

Then he left a voice mail saying how if I didn't answer he was coming to my house, I didn't answer the next calls so then he leaves another voice mail and says I'm on my way ....

kept calling on his way to my house!

Gets to my house and then leaves another voice mail and says that he is about to go knock on my door ...

I text him and told him not to knock on the door because I was not home!

he asked why he should believe me ...

i didn't answer ....

he kept calling and texting me!

I kept ignoring him ...

I was trying my hardest!

Then I walk in the door and he leaves a voice mail saying that the earrings I got him for Easter, he wanted to give them back,he was going to bring them to my store today and I text him and told him that I did not want them

they were a gift and I did not want them, he insisted on bringing them back I told him to give them to someone then, because I did not want them back!

They were his! I don't want them, they are only going to cause heartache for me seeing them in my jewelry box!

Well we text back and forth for about 2 hours!

I told him how I HATED HIM!

Because I did .... (side note: look at those words closely ... DID)

Well he finally text me his last goodbye (which btw, tore my heart out and shredded it to pieces) and then I began thinking ....

I have one last question ..... so I thought how I wanted to word it, got up and text him ...

'I just have one last question .... how could you say "Oh my god I want you so bad" and then three days later just want to be friends?'

Well he had a very good answer and it began .......

I told him how I opened up to him like no I did with no other guy, how I really tried my hardest in the beginning and gave up after I did not see any effort from him, how I think things could have worked out between us if we had communicated better!

I poured my little heart and soul out to him ...

and I did not want to show him any emotions other than I hated him ....

well it didn't work and I began crying and texting him on how much i really like him!

 

Then I tried calling him .... it was sending mestraight to voice mail .... I tried twice and gave up and just kept texting him ...

he asked me to call and I said I tried but I was being sent straight to voice mail, so he told me to try again and I got through and we talked ...

and talked ...

and talked ..

and talked,

oh and we talked some more!

It felt like I had made a good decision!

I felt everything was right for a change!

I felt like even though I said I was going to ignore him until he left me alone, I felt like it was right to be talking to him!

I woke up this morning and it still felt right!

It still feels right as I sit here typing this!

The ONLY other person that knows about this (besides all of you now) is Lisa!

Of course she knows though .... I tell her EVERYTHING!

She never misses a thing in my life!

She has been so supportive of me ...

I swear she is my mom! (she is only 13 years older than me though, and people ask us all the time if we are mother and daughter ... she gets frustrated and I say, "I wish!" okay I'm getting off track here, sorry)

I know though that ONLY I know what is right for my heart!

I hope though that I have made the right decision!

I told Lisa though, usually whenever I make a decision about a guy (usually the endingof our relationship, or the repairing part) I am ALWAYS wrong!

I sit hours later regretting my decision ...

I wake up the next day wishing I had not done what I had ....

but this time it was different!

I DO NOT regret anything I said or did!

I don't regret saying I hate him, I don't regret pouring my heart out to him, I don't regret telling him I thought he had became an asshole 2 months ago when he got "comfortable," I don't regret calling him and fixing our relationship, I don't regret only getting 3 hours sleep because of all this last night, i don't regret A SINGLE THING!

And let me just tell you, it feels great!

I kept telling him last night how good it felt to be able to "talk" to him last night, I could say anything to him and not feel bad or scared of what he may say!

I told him I felt like we made such a great accomplishment!

I know though that we are ONLY friends .....

I hope no chick comes along ....

because there are signs that he is willing to try again for a relationship, we just agreed that we need to become closer friends before anything in the relationship field is possible!

He is going back to college in December! :)

I am so happy for him, yet sad because that is my b-day month! :(

A month after his b-day ......

and I hope by then we are more than friends ... then again I'm not sure if I could handle him being away at college with all that fresh young meat!

So yes, it will be a tough ride, but I am ready for it ....

he now knows I was serious about doing anything just to make him happy!

I stand by him, whether it hurts me or not!

So yes, things change and they sure did for me in one day!

less than that ... more like one hour!

I sure hope I made the right decision this time!

Please God all I ask is that you give me strength and daily reminders to 'just be friends' with Mark! I ask that you lead me into the right path!

I know that God has made me do this for a reason ... whether I learn a lesson from this, or he learns a lesson from it, or for me to grow relationship experience, or whatever it may be ... I am thankful that everything happened the way it did!

NO REGRETS!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

 

btw, I almost forgot ... Mark and I have a "DATE" sunday night when I get off of work! HOW EXCITING? Why a date? Because we decided (okay, okay, he decided) that we need to sit down and talk about EVERYTHING! So that is what we are going to do!

FINALLY AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!

Well I have finally came to an accomplishment!

I am so proud of myself and I hope that all of you will be too!

Last night Mark called when I was going into wal-mart with Lisa and I answered it ....

Side note: I KNOW Lisa was mad, and I fully understand why, she wants the best for me, and hates him, she got to see a side of him that J-land did not, I fully agree with her and understand her feelings about him!

well I told him the phone was making weird noises, which it was, I was not lying, and he asked if I wanted to call him when I left wal-mart, and I said sure ....

but guess what .....

I never called him back!

YEAH!

I finally am doing it!

I am finally letting go!

He called me at 12:22am, 12:39am and I did not answer either time ....

:) I can not stop smiling because I am FINALLY being strong!

He then called and woke me up at 9:39am this morning ....

Didn't answer it :)

But oddly he left a voice mail message ....

he NEVER leaves voice mail messages for me ....

so I go get my phone, it's on the other side of the bedroom, and listen to his voice mail message, and he told me he worked until 5 and to give him a call ...

Sorry boy, but I guess you'll be waiting all day for me to call,

because I am not calling and I am deleting his store phone number so that I can't call, I don't know that number like at all to be able to call if it's not in my phone!

I sure am proud of myself and sure hope that I can keep this up!

Not Who I Say I Am!

Well I said that I was not going to talk to Mark anymore .....

but I keep feeling like that is the childish thing to do ....

so he texted me and I texted him back ...

we text back and forth for about a 1/2 hour then he called and we talked for 2 mins .....

but I said I was not going to do this ...

so why am I?

 

Why am I lying to you and myself?

Why can't I just let go?

Extended Venting!

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea from the last entry ...

I could not write everything that I wanted to since I was getting ready to go out the door when I stopped by to relieve some of the stress ...

it did help a little to have gotten a chance to write in here before I went to work!

I knew for about a month or so now that it was time to let Mark go ...

but for some DUMB reason (my weakness ... I am NOT strong when it somes to relationships at all ... I become dependant on their love and attention .... and I am a VERY VERY emotional person) I kept thinking that I could change my attitude towards him and put up with some of the stupid shit he did ...

I thought if I kept trying that eventually we could make it work ....

when underneath it all I really did know he needed to go ...

but as I said before I become attached to the fact that they are there and I want and feel as if I need their loving and attention ...

when I knew that I also can do better by myself without all this STUPID DRAMA!

I HATE DRAMA more than anything!

It makes me want to scream!

After all my crying last night and today at work ....

I feel better and better about the situation as the hours pass by!

I keep thanking god that this happened!

I know that Mark was not what I wanted or needed!

I am very blessed to have God end this disaster for me!

He was a learning experience for me and I am thankful that I was given that opportunity!

Even though I keep getting upset with myself because when Lisa and Heather first told me about him, I said that I did not want to talk to him, I had a feeling that it would not work and that I was also not ready for a relationship!

But I thought maybe I should for a change listen to what everyone else thinks since it always backfires in my face when I listen to my gut feelings, so I said I would do it ......

and here I am saying I told myself that I should have NEVER done this!

So then why did I insist on trying?

Next time I will listen to my gut feelings!

 

btw ....

Mark called me at my store today and I told him I did not want to talk about anything right then and there because it was not the time or palce he was at work and so was I!

Will he kept getting on my last nerve and I started screaming at him and we both got angry with each other and hung up the phone!

I don't think I will answer any more of his calls because he can not listen to my feelings and what I want ....

it's always what he wants and I tired of it!

So he heard my goodbye for the last time this afternoon ...

I know some of you may think that is childish of me ...

but I am sorry ...

I feel it's the best way to let go of him without it getting UGLY!

I know it will be really hard if he comes back to work at my mall ...

which he said he might be offered the store at our mall ...

and I SO hope that he doesn't ..... just because I know it will be REALLY hard to handle!

I just hope he decides not to and just goes back to college in the spring so I won't have to see him!

Extended Venting!

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea from the last entry ...

I could not write everything that I wanted to since I was getting ready to go out the door when I stopped by to relieve some of the stress ...

it did help a little to have gotten a chance to write in here before I went to work!

I knew for about a month or so now that it was time to let Mark go ...

but for some DUMB reason (my weakness ... I am NOT strong when it somes to relationships at all ... I become dependant on their love and attention .... and I am a VERY VERY emotional person) I kept thinking that I could change my attitude towards him and put up with some of the stupid shit he did ...

I thought if I kept trying that eventually we could make it work ....

when underneath it all I really did know he needed to go ...

but as I said before I become attached to the fact that they are there and I want and feel as if I need their loving and attention ...

when I knew that I also can do better by myself without all this STUPID DRAMA!

I HATE DRAMA more than anything!

It makes me want to scream!

After all my crying last night and today at work ....

I feel better and better about the situation as the hours pass by!

I keep thanking god that this happened!

I know that Mark was not what I wanted or needed!

I am very blessed to have God end this disaster for me!

He was a learning experience for me and I am thankful that I was given that opportunity!

Even though I keep getting upset with myself because when Lisa and Heather first told me about him, I said that I did not want to talk to him, I had a feeling that it would not work and that I was also not ready for a relationship!

But I thought maybe I should for a change listen to what everyone else thinks since it always backfires in my face when I listen to my gut feelings, so I said I would do it ......

and here I am saying I told myself that I should have NEVER done this!

So then why did I insist on trying?

Next time I will listen to my gut feelings!

 

btw ....

Mark called me at my store today and I told him I did not want to talk about anything right then and there because it was not the time or palce he was at work and so was I!

Will he kept getting on my last nerve and I started screaming at him and we both got angry with each other and hung up the phone!

I don't think I will answer any more of his calls because he can not listen to my feelings and what I want ....

it's always what he wants and I tired of it!

So he heard my goodbye for the last time this afternoon ...

I know some of you may think that is childish of me ...

but I am sorry ...

I feel it's the best way to let go of him without it getting UGLY!

I know it will be really hard if he comes back to work at my mall ...

which he said he might be offered the store at our mall ...

and I SO hope that he doesn't ..... just because I know it will be REALLY hard to handle!

I just hope he decides not to and just goes back to college in the spring so I won't have to see him!

Reality Check

So I am sitting here about to pour my heart out to all of you, once again!

yesterday was a day for a reality check, and man did it come and cash out ....

almost bounced, but it went through!

I layed around and didn't really do much but watch t.v. and compare it to my life ......

then I read more of my book (The Stork Reality) and thought about my future and how could I compare it to my future!

Then Mark called and we have been having quite a few "serious" talks ....

and I have known for a while, just not admitting to it, that we could NEVER be a couple ...

we argue too much and we are too alike ....

it just would never work!

Well we went to eat (Well he did I just went along to what I thought would just be us spending time together trying to make it work) and it ended up being the end!

We both agreed on how we know that we are not meant for each other and we asked each other's opinions until it all began sinking into my head ......

this was it, this was the end ....

there was no more getting excited when he called .....

no more getting excited when he stopped by to see me at work, no more being the girl that he was trying for ....

there would be a NEW chick ....

I bet she would be prettier than me, skinner than me, more fun than me, more open to him than me ....

I just beagn to think that I would HAVE to live with seeing him with some OTHER girl on his arm ....

and if my gut feeling is right .....

this will all happen in a matter of days, maybe weeks before I found out ....

but I do feel there already is another girl, and he may have started tlaking to her and then realized I was not the one he wanted anymore then broke the news to me so that he could have this other chick!

But I thought LONG & HARD about how I really feel .....

I know it will take time for me to be completely over him ....

considering I tried a lot of new things with him .....

But I know I can pull through it ......

I could not go to sleep until almost 2 because I was bawling my eyes out about him and Life in general ....

and something that for some unknown reason is becoming a habit for me ....

is that when I get this upset about a guy knowing that it can't be what I want it to be, I get SO sick to my stomach and start puking ....

I used to not be like that ....

it just happened for the first time 2 years ago when my boyfriend stopped calling me and answering my calls and I went to his house and well I won't get into it, but it got ugly for my feelings and I just started puking in the grass!

It happened a little while back when Mark was still working at my mall and we had a pretty big disagreement, I got REALLY sick that night ....

and then it happened again last night ...

it has become this NASTY habit for me and I don'tknow how it started or how to end it!

So anyways I finally fell asleep crying and jumped straight up out of my sleep at 5:30am and was not able to go back to sleep ....

I think it made it worse because I knew at 7:00am I had to get up and call him so he could get ready for work ... then I had to begin to get ready for work!

Now I sit here with a better attitude towards the situation ....

He was a learning experience for me and that's it ......

God has good intentions and has made this happen for a reason ....

I am sorry if anything is spelled wrong but there is no time for me to do a spell check ...

I must run off to work ....

and face more reality!

I need to write

As I sit here with a billion thoughts running through my head,

I try, I said TRY, to get this out in as little words as possible and as organized as possible!

Please do not hate me and forgive me if it is not either!

I am having a hard time keeping everything straight right now!

 

Okay, I am here for one reason .....

as I am sure most of you already know what my problem is AGAIN!

And yet are even probably SICK of hearing it as well!

 

You bet your bottom dollar, it is Mark again!

I really like to think I like him and that I want to hold a future with him ....

until I hold more and more thoughts then I begin to confuse myself with what I really want from him, if anything!

This is a vicious cycle for me ...

and it happens on an average of about 5 times a day in a repeated manner!

It starts when I wake up and does not stop until my eyelids close for sleep ...

and even then it is hard ...

it is VERY hard the past week for me to go to sleep because of this!

I know some of you may say this is love, but that is why I am here, because I am unsure ....

due to my NON-educated ways with relationships, feelings, the truth, and anything else that may have to do with becoming a partner in such a INTENSE situation!

Let me just write a few things that are bubbling around in my thought bubbles .......

(for now anyways)

1. he has a habit that I am not particularly okay with, something  I would normally stop talking to a guy because of!

2. he is in a few ways someone I normally would not choose from a crowd and dream about becoming his girlfriend, or even him to notice me for that matter. I am not saying that I do not think he is cute, but just not someone I would CRAVE for!

3. There are a lot of times where I feel as if I am not pretty enough for him, that I am not skinny enough for him, that I am just flat out not good enough for him! Part of my reasoning on this is because of his comments of people he thinks are hot .... NOTHING in comparison with me ... nothing at all, not even hair color! (also because of number 4)

4. He gets hit on A LOT! Like at least once everyday! This is another reason why I feel as if I am not good enough for him .... now he is the one that brought it to the table that he thought I was cute (hot, pretty, whatever words he used to describe me to Lisa and Heather on St. Patrick day .... how horrible am I for remembering that?) Him being hit on bothers me a lot because then I continue to think about how I could loose him so easily to some random chick! It also makes me nervous about cheating and dishonesty ... even though I guess I should not worry about because he tells me when he gets hit on .... the next time we talk he tells me!

5. He used to say to me how pretty I was, how how SOFT my skin was, how he loved my smile, how good I smelled, how cute I was angry, etc. Now he BARLEY (like once a month) compliments me! I am a needy female, I admit to this ... I need compliments to feel better about myself!

6. I consistently compromise and do things that I would not normally do, I do them just for him, to see that gorgeous smile of his! To see his eyes light up the room with excitement just because he has won yet another battle with me! I want him to do things that I may like INSTEAD of things he may like just to see me smile ...... but he has not done this ONCE for me! Not that I can recall ... and I really hope that I have not forgotten something as important as that!

7. He seems to NEVER be wrong in our arguments ...although what man ever is? He always stresses how is thinks his theory is the CORRECT theory and there is no other possible logic for anything we may argue about .... and I do admit he is right about 75% of the time .... or at least he brings a valid point across and can make me change my point of view!

8. I'M WRONG? Yes, you read that right, tonight (about an hour or so ago, I admitted I was wrong instead of continuing to argue with him ...... yes he was right, I did not say he was just to end the fight, only because I layed down and thought about how childish I was being! Of course I may have not noticed I was wrong if I had picked up the phone the 5 times he called and I left my phone ring until he was sent to my voice mail! Then I heard how upset he was and thought about the situation and IMMEDIATELY knew I was wrong for SURE this time!

9. I am really moody because I NEVER see him anymore ... I miss him like crazy! I think about how I want our relationship on the next level and yet how can we get there if we are here ARGUING all the time? I need a book on relationships for DUMMIES! No kidding I do!

10. He ALWAYS has plans to be with one of his friends or he has to go because one of his friends are calling or coming over or he just got to one of his friends house! I feel like they play an important role right now then I do ..... and I am not saying that they are not important or anything, I just hate that they have ALL his time outside of work and I have NONE!

11. We fight ALL the time, like we are some married couple or two people that have been dating for ages .... and we are just friends that are "talking" but getting no where! We fight over stupid things and I hate that more than any other thing on this list!

12. We NEVER talk anymore ..... our phone conversations are anywhere between 3-15 mins. tops! I hate that we can not communicate with each other as well as I would like us to!

13. I just noticed this tonight after our argument ..... I think I tend to start yelling and getting mad WAY to fast over stupid petty things, I think non-intentionally I find things to argue with him about just because I think that is what my brain is used to! I know that I do not do it on purpose, I would NEVER do such a thing! HONESTLY! But I think I egg arguments on and want to have a reason to be mad at him! But why?

14. I do not have a whole heck of a lot of relationship experience. And the few boyfriends that I did have NONE of them were a SERIOUS relationship ..... all of them were childish! None were a grown girls type!

15. I never even really had a REAL relationship to watch and learn from .... Lisa has brought this to my attention a few weeks ago ... and I totally agree ..... I am clueless on how to treat a man right ..... I am clueless to knowing what man are about and want, etc.

16. In the end I know he cares for me and our relationship and so do I .... but why are we CONSTANTLY bumping heads?

I am sorry this is so long and boring ....

I just needed to write this down and get it out of the way .... I need a head clear of thoughts!

I am not writing this to say how a horrible person he is, because he is not, I am writing this to help myself figure out what I need to say to him and figure out what I am doing wrong!

Because the more I sit and think about things the more I realize I am wrong more than I am right!