Making A Major Decision!

Well I am feeling a little bit better ....

I called and made an appointment to look at an apartment on thursday ....

I go at 10am .... Lisa is coming with me!

I am so excited ....

to be out of my parents and taking the next step in my life ....

I feel like a real grown up now! :)

How silly huh?

 

Mark and I have been getting along pretty good .....

he is ready to take our "friendship" to the next level ....

but I want to skip right out of friendship and move to the next level of a relationship with him ...

he said he is not ready to have a girlfriend but he said he does want to make me his g/f just not right now ....

he is focused on other areas of life right now ....

which I told him I fully understand and I am not hurt at all by what is happening!

I told him that when we go to the next level that I want to know that once it is done he will not stop talking to me once he gets what he wants!

He said that he would not do that, and I do believe him but at the same time to me this next step is A BIG thing for me ....

I don't JUST sleep with people! It takes  A LOT for me to sleep with a guy!

He is texting me right now as I type this asking me why I won't!

I get too emotionally attached to guys and sleeping with him but knowing that is it it WAY too hard for me to do ... knowing that it would just be casual sex, it won't work for me, I'll get upset too easily!

GOSH!

I want to be his girl but I guess God will make it happen if and when it is supposed to!

Until then I need to sit here patiently and wait ....

wait for God to make everything happen when the time is right ...

it just hurts right now saying no!

But I know this is the right way to go ...

I know that I can't have friends with benefits ...

I need a boyfriend!

I think that has to do with something from my childhood past that has happened to me, but I will not get into that right now!

God please give me the strength!

You're Coming Too? REALLY?

Well today was a bit of an unusual day ...

Mark and I were supposed to go to lunch ...

I was to be ready by 9 am ....

he calls like 9:00am ON THE DOT ...

he over slept and he is REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry and says how much he feels like a jerk ...

I tell him it's ok ...

so he had to re-schdule his hair appt. and we are going to do lunch ....

but he wants to lay down for a little more and it is now my responsibility to make sure he is up this time! :)

 

So he comes to get me after he gets his hair done and we go to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch ...

I got broccli and cheese soup!

YUMMY!

I told him that I had a doctor's appt. at 2:00pm .... (Remember my pap did not go so well last month ... not enough cells ... so I had it again today) well by the time he came and got me I told him that my doctor's office called and asked if I could come in earlier ... I now had to be there at 1:15pm ....

so after lunch we went to the mall that was right acrossed the street ... THE GHETTO mall ... I hate this mall and there is hardly anything left in it!

Well we went to see some people he knew at this one store and we stayed there until we had to leave ...

he went to drop me off ...

and guess what he says to me ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are NEVER going to guess!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He asked if he could come in the doctors office with me!

I thought this was so sweet of him to want to be by my side for this visit ...

now of course he was NOT coming in the room with me!

HELL NO!

We have not even slept together  ...

we are not boyfriend/girlfriend ..

so there was NO way I was going to let him in there while this was being done!

So he waited out in the waiting room!

But I thought it was so sweet of him to want to be there with me ...

I have NEVER had a guy want to be by my side for ANY doctors appt.

I was SHOCKED and still am!

I am telling all of you, since we had our talk after our HUGE fight, he has been a totally different person ....

he is so sweet!

:)

I am sitting here thinking that we are going to be more than friends soon ....

and it makes me really really really nervous to think that too!

But I really like him and with the things he has been saying to me lately I can tell he wants to be more than friends ...

I know too that I need to make the next move, but I am scared for quite a few reasons!

Mainly because of my self-confidence ...

I HAVE NONE!

OH MY!

What is a girl to do?

I wish I could be more confident about myself!

But today was definitely a good day!

Weird, but good!

Vacation Time!

I have off of work the next 3 days ....

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

I am so excited to really do nothing!

Well today I was to do something with my friend Kayli and her 10 moth old baby Ashlynn ....

well I called her and she has not called me back!

So I have no idea ...

but I do know that EVERY TIME Kayli and I make plans, she NEVER holds to them with me!

OH WELL!

Like I have said before, I am not one for sobbing over lost friends!

WHY? you may ask ...

well because I put my all into a friendship but if I don't get back, then OH WELL if we end up not being friends, cuz I did what I needed to be a good friend!

 

Anyways ...

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appt. at 2pm ...

UGHHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't want to go at ALL!

Will you go for me? PLEASE? :)

I'm begging!

 

Well after that I'm going to try to do something with Mark ...

he knows I have off and he told me that he has off and said that we could do something if I would like, I told him I would LOVE to do something ...

now what am I going to do with him though?

 

Thursday ...

Everyone has to work, so I probably will not do anything!

I will probably use that day to just chill and relax ....

catch up from last week ...

I am still so exhausted that I have been sleeping about 10-12 hours a night for the past like 4 nights!

But I sure can not wait until pay day! :)

OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I am so excited just thinking about that nice check!

I have been shopping ... well not really shopping, because I am not making any purchases ..... but LOOKING around fro things for my apartment when I move .....

Did you know that Target.com sells furniture?

Well they do, but it is EXPENSIVE!

Well Tammy saw an apartment by her house .... it's in a really quite neighborhood .....

but I don't know about how convenient it would be for me since I don't drive!

Which speaking of which ...

that will be my MAIN goal once I move out ....

getting my license and a car!

But until then my main focus is getting out of this damn house!

A Day Of Sadness!

Well today makes it one year since Alicia's death!

One year without my dear friend!

I miss her so much!

She was one of the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for!

One year without seeing her smiling face, except for in the picture that sits in the "friends forever" frame beside my bed!

I look at it daily and tell her how much I miss her and love her!

I wish she were here now to talk to me .....

but I do know that she is up above looking down on me!

I just wish I could talk to her .....

I just want to hear her laugh, see her smile, hear her voice!

But time can not be turned back, and I know I will get to see her in the after life!

And when I do, it will be just like old times!

 

I LOVE AND MISS YOU DEARLY ALICIA JOY STRAUSS!

I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART AND THOUGHTS!

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SPACE HERE IN MY HEART, THAT NOTHING OR NO ONE CAN EVER REPLACE!

Still HAPPY!

I am still happy that Mark and I talked things out and are getting along now ...

I still do not have any regrets!

He stopped by my store AGAIN today just to see me! :)

I told ya ever since we started talking again, he is  a new person ....

He says nice things to me, he visited me 2 days in a row at work!

He offered to get me something at Best Buy today with some of his Best Buy Bucks that he won!

I told him no thank you!

He is so sweet!

Calling me MORE than before!

Always wants to talk to me!

Just always putting a smile on my face!

Anyways,

I had to work 12 hours today (9:30am-9:30pm) and now I am beat ...

and I have to go back in tomorrow morning to Tammy and Lisa's store to help with Inventory some more ...

that's where I was from 4:30pm-9:30pm tonight!

I only worked 9:30am-4:30pm at my store today!

I am so TIRED!

Oh, I have been so out of it that I realized when I woke up this morning that I never ate A SINGLE thing yesterday ...

not on purpose, I just was not hungry ... it's too hot ...

so I went 48 hours without eating and did not even try it ....

I have something else I want to write about but I'll have to do it tomorrow when I get home, my letters are beginning to look all the same ...

remind me it has to do with Footlocker's Manager and having a baby!

 

I guess I better get going ....

I

Need

Shut

EYE!

What A Surprise!

I am sitting here in a good mood ... why you ask .... well I had a visitor today at work .... can you guess who it may have been?

 

 

Mark! I almost fell over, because the last time I saw him was last Sunday when he said we should just be friends!

May I add that since Mark and I talked this past Thursday, things have been GREAT!

I just wish we could have been this open with each other in the beginning ....

but all that matters is that we are open with each other now and it is working so well!

We talk a lot more now too!

I always get this giddy little feeling when we are talking, just knowing that we tried to make this work, and we are back on the track on "talking" and it feels wonderful inside!

I can not believe that until this day I still do not regret going against what I said I would not do ...

I do not regret calling him at 2 in morning on Friday to talk about things and start all over again!

I am happy to see that for a change me expressing my feelings to a guy has actually helped and not made things worse!

I am thankful that God has given us another chance and that Mark and I are taking it more seriously then the last time!

I am EXTREMELY happy that we can say what is on our mind to each other and not be scared of hurting their feelings!

Because we have learned to take each other's criticism very well ...

we know that it is only being said to help us improve ourselves!

 

btw ....

the date we were to have yesterday .... we did not go because he didn't have any money and neither did I ....

I take all my money after I pay my bills and hand it over to my best friend Lisa for saving!

But he left it up to me whether we were going to do something or not .... and I thought it was best that we just hold off until we have money!

But life is GREAT for me right now and I am simply loving it! :)

A Memory I'm Not Sure I Want To Let Go Of

Well this coming Saturday it will be a year since my dear friend Alicia has passed away!

I miss my girl very very dearly!

I wish daily for her to be here by my side!

She was an amazing friend ....

and as this time rolls around I continue to think about how I blame myself for her death!

If I would have been a better friend and visited more she would not have been her situation or at least I could have made her feel better about life ....

that way she would have not felt as low of herself as she did ...

making her kill herself!

I keep picturing her in my mind laying in her casket all beaten up from her roommate ...

that she was trying to pass off as her boyfriend ....

I KNOW better than that ...

Alicia was a lesbian and HATED men with the highest capacity EVER ....

at least when it came to relationships ....

she had many many guy friends ...

but none that she would ever date!

She was in love with my dear friend Julie ....

they were in love with each other ...

then they began fighting ....

They were not meant for each other, at least in a relationship, but could be VERY VERY close friends ...

Julie if you read this, I do not blame you at all and I do not want you to blame yourself at all for what has happened, I completely understand you leaving, it sure is a shame though that this is the ending of a fine relationship the two of you held! I know that Alicia is up there looking down saying how proud she is of you now .... you have become this grown girl that has a great head on her shoulder, not that you never did! I know I am for sure SO SO SO SO HAPPY that you stopped dancing! I think you will see a brighter future for yourself now! Your life has cleaned up a lot and I just wish Alicia was here to pat you on your back and tell you how proud she is of you, as like I said before I know she is! I miss you like crazy and hope that you come to visit us soon ......

I sure do hate the way we all grew apart!

We promised we would stay close, and we did the opposite!

I miss the crowd .....

Alicia, Jose, Tyrone, Miah, Julie, Dee, and everyone else!

I miss the late nights of just laying around talking about what the future held for all of us ....

as all of you mainly were looking at your love lives, I was looking at my work life ....

I never was one to be in a relationship!

We have plenty of memories to live off of ....

but it sure does still hurt, knowing that one of my closet friends is not here to share life with me!

ALICIA JOY STRAUSS I MISS YOU GIRL AND I LOVE YOU!

You will NEVER EVER lose your spot in my heart!

You have your own special place and no one can EVER take that away from me!

MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PEACE!

Here is a look back to the day I first wrote about her passing and another entry not too long after!