WOW! What a day!

Today was a long day!

Yet I should be in bed right now!

I have such a long day ahead of me tomorrow too!

Well as I always seem to jinx myself ....

I did it again!

Mark and I were getting along really well, I thought we were finally soon able to be together ....

then we have been clashing the past few days!

I just keep telling myself that I don't think he is the kind of guy that I am looking for!

He can be really nice to me, but then he gets into his spurts where I always come last ...

so that's what I am doing to him tonight ...

I know that may sound childish, but I feel like he may then realize what it is like to be treated that way!

Then maybe he will not do it to me!

I'm going to go to bed and not call him back ...

he asked me to do something with him tonight and I told him I didn't want to come over to his house tonight ....

I just feel like he hates me right now and I hate him so I don't think it would be good for us to be around each other!

I really just wish god would either take my feelings for Mark away from me or give us a good relationship ...

I know this may sound weird but I cry to god all the time and tell him to make me hate mark!

I really don't want to care baout mark, I don't want to have feelings for him anymore ....

I don't want to feel like I need to be in a relationship with  him!

I really do want god to make me hate him, just because I am sick of waiting and hurting over him ... I'm sick of changing my mind about him!

 

WHATEVER!

He is REALLY not worth me writing all this much about ...

I went out to eat after work today ...

AT A STEAKHOUSE ...

Yeah I have not had steak since our christmas party dinner at texas roadhouse in january!

I could not afford to go since then!

Well I had a pretty good check and so did Lisa so we decided to treat ourselves because we don't know when we'll be able to do that again ....

I went to wal-mart afterwards and got a few things for me that I needed, I got a few groceries, and a few makeup items!

I still feels weird that I have my own apartment and I have so many responsiblities now too!

But I love it ...

I wake up happy everyday knowing it's just me! :)

Well I have to work an open to close tomorrow so I really need to go to bed ... 12 hour shifts always sneak up on me and I'm NEVER prepared for them!

 

Good night all!

BOOOOO! Did I Scare You?

BOOOO!

That's right ladies and gents ....

I'm back!

I missed all you so very much!

J-land has been such a huge part of my life for about 1 1/2 years and while I was gone for the past (almost) 3 months I have been lost in this CRAZY CRAZY world!

I am so very happy to be back!

I just wanted to write a short entry to say

I'M BACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!

I'll hopefully have some pictures soon too ....

tons has changed in my life the past 3 months ...

wow I really should just write a book and send it to all of you! :)

LOL j/k (or am I?)

Well I must get to bed for work in the morning ....

I'd rather be here with all of you in this wonderful land of journals ...

but I must make that money to pay my bills!

I hope you are all as happy as I am to be back!

Last Entry!

Okay so I wanted to write one last entry before I leave for the next few months!

 

I first want to start off by saying thank you to every single one of you for all your kind words, it really touched me and I really appreciate knowing how much all of you care!

 

I will miss J-land I think more than you will miss me!

I will try to go to friends houses or the library to keep in touch!

 

I wanted to tell all of you how much I LOVE my new place ...

Mark even spent the night with me last night .... and did not try for sex!

He was such a gentleman!

 

Well I must start moving more stuff!

I hope to talk to everyone soon!

The BEST Day Of My Life!

Well this damn computer has pissed me off once again ...

I had this LONG entry written with full details of what I wanted to say ...

but I guess I'll give you the short version ...

I got my own apartment ....

I got the keys yesterday and slept there last night ....

I will not have the internet for a while until I can afford to get it ...

I need furniture instead more importantly!

I will be gone for anywhere from 1 month to 2 months ...

I really  do not want to leave but I must .....

If you would like to stay in contact with me , please e-mail me A.S.A.P. and I will give you my address or  phone number!

PLEASE do it immediately though as I will only have internet access here at my parents for the next few days!

I will mainly be at my new place so I will not be on here often but I will check in once and a while when i stop by here when I am off of work to move my things!

I really can not write much more because my computer gives me a short time period before the internet disconnects itself!

PLEASE remember to e-mail me AS SOON AS POSSIBLE if you want to stay in contact!

Next Step!

Well I am pissed off REALLY bad right now ...

I had this entry written, all but ready to hit that wonderful "save" button and my computer freezes ....

so I am too tired (I can't keep my eyes open) to re-write it all ...

I'll just say the main part ....

Mark and I had our first Kiss last night! :)

 

Look forward to more details soon!

I'll re-write the story soon ... I promise!

Making A Major Decision!

Well I am feeling a little bit better ....

I called and made an appointment to look at an apartment on thursday ....

I go at 10am .... Lisa is coming with me!

I am so excited ....

to be out of my parents and taking the next step in my life ....

I feel like a real grown up now! :)

How silly huh?

 

Mark and I have been getting along pretty good .....

he is ready to take our "friendship" to the next level ....

but I want to skip right out of friendship and move to the next level of a relationship with him ...

he said he is not ready to have a girlfriend but he said he does want to make me his g/f just not right now ....

he is focused on other areas of life right now ....

which I told him I fully understand and I am not hurt at all by what is happening!

I told him that when we go to the next level that I want to know that once it is done he will not stop talking to me once he gets what he wants!

He said that he would not do that, and I do believe him but at the same time to me this next step is A BIG thing for me ....

I don't JUST sleep with people! It takes  A LOT for me to sleep with a guy!

He is texting me right now as I type this asking me why I won't!

I get too emotionally attached to guys and sleeping with him but knowing that is it it WAY too hard for me to do ... knowing that it would just be casual sex, it won't work for me, I'll get upset too easily!

GOSH!

I want to be his girl but I guess God will make it happen if and when it is supposed to!

Until then I need to sit here patiently and wait ....

wait for God to make everything happen when the time is right ...

it just hurts right now saying no!

But I know this is the right way to go ...

I know that I can't have friends with benefits ...

I need a boyfriend!

I think that has to do with something from my childhood past that has happened to me, but I will not get into that right now!

God please give me the strength!

You're Coming Too? REALLY?

Well today was a bit of an unusual day ...

Mark and I were supposed to go to lunch ...

I was to be ready by 9 am ....

he calls like 9:00am ON THE DOT ...

he over slept and he is REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry and says how much he feels like a jerk ...

I tell him it's ok ...

so he had to re-schdule his hair appt. and we are going to do lunch ....

but he wants to lay down for a little more and it is now my responsibility to make sure he is up this time! :)

 

So he comes to get me after he gets his hair done and we go to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch ...

I got broccli and cheese soup!

YUMMY!

I told him that I had a doctor's appt. at 2:00pm .... (Remember my pap did not go so well last month ... not enough cells ... so I had it again today) well by the time he came and got me I told him that my doctor's office called and asked if I could come in earlier ... I now had to be there at 1:15pm ....

so after lunch we went to the mall that was right acrossed the street ... THE GHETTO mall ... I hate this mall and there is hardly anything left in it!

Well we went to see some people he knew at this one store and we stayed there until we had to leave ...

he went to drop me off ...

and guess what he says to me ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are NEVER going to guess!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He asked if he could come in the doctors office with me!

I thought this was so sweet of him to want to be by my side for this visit ...

now of course he was NOT coming in the room with me!

HELL NO!

We have not even slept together  ...

we are not boyfriend/girlfriend ..

so there was NO way I was going to let him in there while this was being done!

So he waited out in the waiting room!

But I thought it was so sweet of him to want to be there with me ...

I have NEVER had a guy want to be by my side for ANY doctors appt.

I was SHOCKED and still am!

I am telling all of you, since we had our talk after our HUGE fight, he has been a totally different person ....

he is so sweet!

:)

I am sitting here thinking that we are going to be more than friends soon ....

and it makes me really really really nervous to think that too!

But I really like him and with the things he has been saying to me lately I can tell he wants to be more than friends ...

I know too that I need to make the next move, but I am scared for quite a few reasons!

Mainly because of my self-confidence ...

I HAVE NONE!

OH MY!

What is a girl to do?

I wish I could be more confident about myself!

But today was definitely a good day!

Weird, but good!