Sunday, January 7, 2007

It's Hard Moving On!

The past days have really been rough ...

moving on from Mark and my relationship has been hard the past few days ...

Not because I care about him ...

Because believe me I have NO feelings or a care in the world for him anymore ...

It's hard because I was such a great person to him ...

I gave him whatever he wanted or needed and all he did was lie to me and lead me to believe that we would have a relationship and then lie to me about me being his girlfriend ...

Which I never really told any of you about ...

One day he asked me to be his girlfriend and he said I was then not even a week later I felt weird and asked him what we were, and if we were just friends and he said yea, and looked at me crazy like why did I expect anything other than that!

I told him to never talk to me again and what he did was below cold and wrong ...

I have NEVER in my life been treated so lowly!

I gave him any and everything I possibly could ...

I even took from myself so he could have ...

There was a time that I took my grocery money and gave it to him so he could have food instead ...

There was a time that I took money from my rent money so he could pay his bills ...

I also was under the impression that he was going to pay my back before my rent was due ...

But he didn't ...

But luckily I had just enough on my check before rent was due ....

But it also meant no groceries or anything ....

Just rent!

And something did end up bouncing in my account .... and he couldn't even give me the money he owed me then so I could take care of it ....

But it was b/c some company for 2 or 3 months was taking $$$ out of my account and I never authorized for it!

So in the long run I did get my money back but I still had to pay the fee for it bouncing!

Anyways back to my point ....

I have been just watching people in the mall the past few days and thinking about their lives and are they happy b/c they have a man or do they have drama and are they sad like me?

I start thinking about how long it took them to find happiness if they are happy ...

And what makes them sad in life since they have a happy relationship!

I began thinking about if I am ever going to have a family like I want!

Am I ever going to get married like I want?

Will I grow old and die with the father of my kids?

Will some of my kids have different fathers due to marriages not working out?

Will I end up a failure like the majority of my family?

How long will I remain this sad depressed soul?

Should I be happy that I have no guy in my life?

What am I doing wrong to not be able to find the right guy?

I have not been in a relationship for almost 3 years now ....

And that was not even a real relationship ...

So technically it has been about 5 years ....

I crave to have a boyfriend, to have someone tell me they love me, to have someone hold me and tell me everything will be alright, to have someone want to spend every minute of their day with me, to have someone to hold my hand, I want someone to send my flowers every now and then, I want someone to buy me meaningful jewelry, I want to be able to return all of these things to the guy as well, I just want a relationship.

I lack love in my life mainly b/c of my family and because I don't really have a family that provides love ...

I have this holein my heart and I feel it will never be filled!

I feel that GOD does not intend for my to be loved ...

Only by my friends, which don't get me wrong I am VERY thankful for all of them (all of you included), but I want to have family members that care about me and love me, and I want a boyfriend that will love me unconditionally!

I look at all the people I know and they have either their own little family with their husbands, fianc├ęs, kids, boyfriends or they have brothers, sisters, cousins, neices, nephwes, aunts, grandparents, mothers, fathers, and so on that love them ... and I just feel lost and left out!

I can't help but to hate when I see a family somewhere because I get jealous ..

I get so jealous of all the mother and daughters that come to my stand and have this great bond and I don't have that with my mother!

I am a true believer in GOD makes everything happen for a reason but I just can not think of why he wants me to be single!

I am not asking to start my family right now!

I just want a boyfriend so I can fill that empty spot in my heart where no love remains!

I want to feel whole ...

I want to feel like the majority of the world in the happiness of a relationship with a make/female that loves them!

I want to feel like I am important to someone, that if they didn't hear my voice that day that they would be calling my phone time after time looking for me!

I know I am young ... and I have so much ahead of me .. but I can't help but to want to be loved!

I feel so empty inside that I cry everyday (almost cry everyday, sometimes I hold the tears back, but these thoughts still cross my mind) wondering why I have ALWAYS been the one out of everyone I know to be the single one with no kids (which for now is one good thing) with the empty hole in my heart for me to fill with a guy!

And because of all of these things I can't help but to think there are things wrong with me that guys don't even want to approach me!

Is it that I'm ugly?

Is it because they think I'm pretty and assume I have a b/f?

Is it because I don't seem to be their type?

Is it because they are scared to approach me?

Is it because I seem like an unapproachable person?

Is it because I am overweight?

Is it because I work in the mall and don't have a real job?

Is it because I can be very loud sometimes, not on purpose, but because that's how I was raised?

Is it because I don't drive?

Is it because I am not the perfect EXPRESS or Victoria Secrets kind of girl?

WHAT IS IT?

What is keeping me from being loved?

5 comments:

z7snowflake said...

wow...im so sorry. I can honestly say I've felt those same things. And its hard and it hurts, and I dont know any of the answers to your questions. I cant even answer my own, but all I can say that is...I know that God does not want you to be alone. He wants you to have someone. I dont know why he hasn't brought you your man but...I truly believe he is coming. You dont even have to look for him, he'll come to you. I think maybe God is trying to teach us patience. Cuz I am so very impatient...Im the "I want it and I want it now" type, lol. But it doesn't work that way...not at all. Its hard...Im going thru it too, the waiting is so hard. Its hard for me...Im still waiting, but I know God has someone special for me. Maybe he will show you soon, so your heart will be at ease. Big Hug! And no your not ugly and its not because of your size, I've seen gigantic people with mates, and people that are not so pretty have mates too...ur beautiful, you just have to wait a little while longer cuz God is preparing someone very special for you...so it takes a bit longer...and just think, when you do finally find him...well, more like when he finds you...or better yet, when you find eachother, its gonna be so specail...and so beautiful and so amazing, its gonna blow your mind...and you wanna know the best thing about it, its gonna last. So....put a smile on that pretty face, lift your chin up, cuz ur strong, ur tough, ur beautiful, sweet, kind, smart and your every bit worth the wait...and so is your special guy, so just wait a little longer. *Hugs*

therealslimemmy said...

oh man i go through this all the time too...just be fortunate to know you can provide for youself and you dont have ties to anyone you need to do what is right for you...and yes you do have a good job....you just need to find a good man now.
he will show up dont worry...its always when people arent looking that they show up.
take care hun
em

bhbner2him said...

23 years ago, I was in many ways where you are.  I know that now it seems the things you want will never come.  And I know it sounds crazy, but the best way to go is just to get on with living the life you have.  Find things you enjoy.  Do them.  Be yourself.  Pray for God to prepare the man He would put in your life.  Don't go looking for him, but don't withdraw into a cocoon either.  When we actively look for a mate, we actually start to try to make everyone we spend a little time with into the love of our life.

And to you and all other young girls I can never say it enough, many of the old ways are still the best ways!!!  Man's character has not changed, only the times.

A man needs to feel he has worked for you, won you.  

Don't call him in the beginning unless you have to, to be courteous and tell him plans have changed or something.

Don't invite him out unless it is something he cannot invite you to.....like a company party, etc.

Don't drive all over meeting him places or picking him up.  Make him come and get you and don't go out to a honking horn!  He should always come to your door.

Never, ever pay a guy or boyfriends bills, pay for the date or buy him things for no occasion.  It attracts freeloaders, gigilos and bums.

After you have been in a longterm steady relationship you can begin to do some of these things.....but don't be extravagant.  Keep it simple.  Extravagance can come after you're engaged.  

Barbara

misscarberry said...

I think what you need to do is change your routine. Try and go somewhere different every week. Try not talking to guys, just letting them watch you. Act like you are the most fabulous thing in the room and laugh like hell. Try the internet. And remember, guys will love you, when you love yourself.
Love Sam xXx

my3gifts said...

I'm not sure how I missed this entry or the last few to come or behind this one...but sweetie one God DOES want you to be loved, feel loved, and love. First off are you letting yourself be loved by GOD? HE does love you, yet if you push him away it's so hard to feel that LOVE he desires for you to have.

Don't be fooled by all the mothers and daughters that come to your booth either. I'm sure it appeared quite often out in public to others we looked like we had a wonderful relationship, but reality was it was so-so at the best 95% of the time.

I'm praying for you sweetie.