Thursday, November 16, 2006

I've Been Gone For Too Long

Well I know that I have been gone for too long!

My stupid computer keeps acting up

and every time it goes through it's attitude problems it's another week before it works again!

 

Anyhoo, My alerts are all messed up, I guess because my inbox  got so large while I was without the Internet, so please leave me links to all of your journals so I can add you again to my alerts!

I need to get back into the habit of journaling! I miss it all!

As far as work, I finally got a full staff but now I am still working long hours due to them all being in training! My boss actually yelled at me yesterday for working all these hours and not asking other stores for help ...

I don't like asking the other stores for help because as a manager I feel like it's my responsibility to work the hours.

But Ang was saying that she does not want me to wear myself out now because the holidays are coming up and she wants me to be fully rested and ready for it!

So maybe I'll actually get my 3 days off next week, like I'm supposed to and my 40 hours (well 8 holiday and 32 working) and not have to work extra! We'll see!

As far as Mark and I ...

well, where should I start ...

I told him I didn't want to be his "friend" no more, he did not want to hear me say such a thing!

He said that he was sorry for everything that he has EVER done to me, and he did apologize BEFORE I told him that I didn't want to talk to him EVER again!

I saw a whole other side to him this past week, a side that I like and want to stick around!

Once I told him that I wasn't sure I could be the friend he is asking me to be, he started crying, and no I don't think he is doing any of this to get me to feel guilty!

I can hear it in his voice that things REALLY are rough for him lately like he says they are!

I do feel bad, but at the same time I am not going to be as nice and caring and giving like I was before all of this happened!

He has noticed that, I NEVER call or text him!

I don't even ask him to hang out! Which bothers him! I'm also not as open with him, I don't tell him everything that's going on in my life and I don't try to start a conversation, I want him to prove himself!

I told him I can not just trust him that he is really changing this time, and why should I?

he has said to me before that he was going to change and he did for a week or two, then it's back to treating me like shit! He said that without me in his life he didn't know how he was going to go on trying to be this better person that he wants to be!

He officially asked me yesterday to "DATE" him ... I didn't know what to say just because he never did the first time and now he really is showing a new side to me, he has always said about other girls being the prettiest girl in the world, he world tell me I was beautiful and my eyes were beautiful and that I had a pretty smile, but NEVER said things like I was prettier than someone else!

Well yesterday he did! I thought I was going to cry! He was telling me about some wrestler's wife and that, "she is the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth after Theresa Miller"

I melted away inside!

I really hope that change will last, because I'm going against everything I normally stand for and say ... and I decided to give him yet ANOTHER chance after I had originally said no!

but enough of me blabbing on about him!

 

As far as my apartment, everything is okay I guess, I still need A LOT of furniture!

I swear that I should have thrown a house warming party to get help with this stuff! But too late now and now I will have to work hard myself to get it all!

Well I guess that really is all that I have for now!

Friday, November 3, 2006

M.I.A.

Well I am really sorry ...

my computer broke AGAIN last week and I was unable to get on the computer ...

DAMN thing is pissing me off!

I know everyone wants to see pictures of the apartment and I would love to show them ....

but my digital camera has been broken since before I moved out of my parents house!

I don't know what is wrong with it ...

maybe cuz I don't know much about these electronics! LOL :)

I think it's because I'm using regular batteries in it!

Heck I dunno!

So as soon as I figure it out, I'm taking pictures!

 

But as far as everything else goes ...

I worked four twelve hour days in a week and a half .... making my next check have 33 hours overtime!

We get paid every two weeks but 26 of those hours was just this past week!

I worked nearly 70 hours in ONE pay week!

I am so exhausted!

I am working on my 9 day straight without a day off work week!

Mark says that he is upset that I have been so distant with him and that I am mean to him as well as short with him ...

I told him that it's not just him it's everyone and it's because I am so exhausted!

I have been going to work and coming home sleeping and getting back up to go back to work!

LITERALLY!

I'm NOT kidding ...

I have been skipping a lot of meals too!

I can't help it though ...

I get home and I'm so tired and I can't even stay awake to eat so I fall right to sleep and wake up just in enough time to get ready for work again and do the same thing all over again!

But at least I'll have my furniture soon enough I guess! :)

I'm having trouble finding a staff for my store right now!

 

So really I don't have much to write about!

All I have been doing is working!

And let me just tell you if there is a Piercing Pagoda, Piercing Pagoda Plus, Plumb Gold, or a Silver & Gold Connection store near you .... (which there probably is, we have about 850 stores under one of those names) .... you really should stop by and check out all the new items we are getting in just in time for Christmas!

I mean it too .... and if you do stop by stop back and let me know .... I would love to know how you're shopping experience was with us and what you thought of our merchandise!

If you want to find out if there is a store by you just go to www.pagoda.com

well have fun!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

WOW! What a day!

Today was a long day!

Yet I should be in bed right now!

I have such a long day ahead of me tomorrow too!

Well as I always seem to jinx myself ....

I did it again!

Mark and I were getting along really well, I thought we were finally soon able to be together ....

then we have been clashing the past few days!

I just keep telling myself that I don't think he is the kind of guy that I am looking for!

He can be really nice to me, but then he gets into his spurts where I always come last ...

so that's what I am doing to him tonight ...

I know that may sound childish, but I feel like he may then realize what it is like to be treated that way!

Then maybe he will not do it to me!

I'm going to go to bed and not call him back ...

he asked me to do something with him tonight and I told him I didn't want to come over to his house tonight ....

I just feel like he hates me right now and I hate him so I don't think it would be good for us to be around each other!

I really just wish god would either take my feelings for Mark away from me or give us a good relationship ...

I know this may sound weird but I cry to god all the time and tell him to make me hate mark!

I really don't want to care baout mark, I don't want to have feelings for him anymore ....

I don't want to feel like I need to be in a relationship with  him!

I really do want god to make me hate him, just because I am sick of waiting and hurting over him ... I'm sick of changing my mind about him!

 

WHATEVER!

He is REALLY not worth me writing all this much about ...

I went out to eat after work today ...

AT A STEAKHOUSE ...

Yeah I have not had steak since our christmas party dinner at texas roadhouse in january!

I could not afford to go since then!

Well I had a pretty good check and so did Lisa so we decided to treat ourselves because we don't know when we'll be able to do that again ....

I went to wal-mart afterwards and got a few things for me that I needed, I got a few groceries, and a few makeup items!

I still feels weird that I have my own apartment and I have so many responsiblities now too!

But I love it ...

I wake up happy everyday knowing it's just me! :)

Well I have to work an open to close tomorrow so I really need to go to bed ... 12 hour shifts always sneak up on me and I'm NEVER prepared for them!

 

Good night all!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

BOOOOO! Did I Scare You?

BOOOO!

That's right ladies and gents ....

I'm back!

I missed all you so very much!

J-land has been such a huge part of my life for about 1 1/2 years and while I was gone for the past (almost) 3 months I have been lost in this CRAZY CRAZY world!

I am so very happy to be back!

I just wanted to write a short entry to say

I'M BACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!

I'll hopefully have some pictures soon too ....

tons has changed in my life the past 3 months ...

wow I really should just write a book and send it to all of you! :)

LOL j/k (or am I?)

Well I must get to bed for work in the morning ....

I'd rather be here with all of you in this wonderful land of journals ...

but I must make that money to pay my bills!

I hope you are all as happy as I am to be back!

Sunday, August 6, 2006

Last Entry!

Okay so I wanted to write one last entry before I leave for the next few months!

 

I first want to start off by saying thank you to every single one of you for all your kind words, it really touched me and I really appreciate knowing how much all of you care!

 

I will miss J-land I think more than you will miss me!

I will try to go to friends houses or the library to keep in touch!

 

I wanted to tell all of you how much I LOVE my new place ...

Mark even spent the night with me last night .... and did not try for sex!

He was such a gentleman!

 

Well I must start moving more stuff!

I hope to talk to everyone soon!

Friday, August 4, 2006

The BEST Day Of My Life!

Well this damn computer has pissed me off once again ...

I had this LONG entry written with full details of what I wanted to say ...

but I guess I'll give you the short version ...

I got my own apartment ....

I got the keys yesterday and slept there last night ....

I will not have the internet for a while until I can afford to get it ...

I need furniture instead more importantly!

I will be gone for anywhere from 1 month to 2 months ...

I really  do not want to leave but I must .....

If you would like to stay in contact with me , please e-mail me A.S.A.P. and I will give you my address or  phone number!

PLEASE do it immediately though as I will only have internet access here at my parents for the next few days!

I will mainly be at my new place so I will not be on here often but I will check in once and a while when i stop by here when I am off of work to move my things!

I really can not write much more because my computer gives me a short time period before the internet disconnects itself!

PLEASE remember to e-mail me AS SOON AS POSSIBLE if you want to stay in contact!

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Next Step!

Well I am pissed off REALLY bad right now ...

I had this entry written, all but ready to hit that wonderful "save" button and my computer freezes ....

so I am too tired (I can't keep my eyes open) to re-write it all ...

I'll just say the main part ....

Mark and I had our first Kiss last night! :)

 

Look forward to more details soon!

I'll re-write the story soon ... I promise!

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Making A Major Decision!

Well I am feeling a little bit better ....

I called and made an appointment to look at an apartment on thursday ....

I go at 10am .... Lisa is coming with me!

I am so excited ....

to be out of my parents and taking the next step in my life ....

I feel like a real grown up now! :)

How silly huh?

 

Mark and I have been getting along pretty good .....

he is ready to take our "friendship" to the next level ....

but I want to skip right out of friendship and move to the next level of a relationship with him ...

he said he is not ready to have a girlfriend but he said he does want to make me his g/f just not right now ....

he is focused on other areas of life right now ....

which I told him I fully understand and I am not hurt at all by what is happening!

I told him that when we go to the next level that I want to know that once it is done he will not stop talking to me once he gets what he wants!

He said that he would not do that, and I do believe him but at the same time to me this next step is A BIG thing for me ....

I don't JUST sleep with people! It takes  A LOT for me to sleep with a guy!

He is texting me right now as I type this asking me why I won't!

I get too emotionally attached to guys and sleeping with him but knowing that is it it WAY too hard for me to do ... knowing that it would just be casual sex, it won't work for me, I'll get upset too easily!

GOSH!

I want to be his girl but I guess God will make it happen if and when it is supposed to!

Until then I need to sit here patiently and wait ....

wait for God to make everything happen when the time is right ...

it just hurts right now saying no!

But I know this is the right way to go ...

I know that I can't have friends with benefits ...

I need a boyfriend!

I think that has to do with something from my childhood past that has happened to me, but I will not get into that right now!

God please give me the strength!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

You're Coming Too? REALLY?

Well today was a bit of an unusual day ...

Mark and I were supposed to go to lunch ...

I was to be ready by 9 am ....

he calls like 9:00am ON THE DOT ...

he over slept and he is REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry and says how much he feels like a jerk ...

I tell him it's ok ...

so he had to re-schdule his hair appt. and we are going to do lunch ....

but he wants to lay down for a little more and it is now my responsibility to make sure he is up this time! :)

 

So he comes to get me after he gets his hair done and we go to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch ...

I got broccli and cheese soup!

YUMMY!

I told him that I had a doctor's appt. at 2:00pm .... (Remember my pap did not go so well last month ... not enough cells ... so I had it again today) well by the time he came and got me I told him that my doctor's office called and asked if I could come in earlier ... I now had to be there at 1:15pm ....

so after lunch we went to the mall that was right acrossed the street ... THE GHETTO mall ... I hate this mall and there is hardly anything left in it!

Well we went to see some people he knew at this one store and we stayed there until we had to leave ...

he went to drop me off ...

and guess what he says to me ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are NEVER going to guess!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He asked if he could come in the doctors office with me!

I thought this was so sweet of him to want to be by my side for this visit ...

now of course he was NOT coming in the room with me!

HELL NO!

We have not even slept together  ...

we are not boyfriend/girlfriend ..

so there was NO way I was going to let him in there while this was being done!

So he waited out in the waiting room!

But I thought it was so sweet of him to want to be there with me ...

I have NEVER had a guy want to be by my side for ANY doctors appt.

I was SHOCKED and still am!

I am telling all of you, since we had our talk after our HUGE fight, he has been a totally different person ....

he is so sweet!

:)

I am sitting here thinking that we are going to be more than friends soon ....

and it makes me really really really nervous to think that too!

But I really like him and with the things he has been saying to me lately I can tell he wants to be more than friends ...

I know too that I need to make the next move, but I am scared for quite a few reasons!

Mainly because of my self-confidence ...

I HAVE NONE!

OH MY!

What is a girl to do?

I wish I could be more confident about myself!

But today was definitely a good day!

Weird, but good!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Vacation Time!

I have off of work the next 3 days ....

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

I am so excited to really do nothing!

Well today I was to do something with my friend Kayli and her 10 moth old baby Ashlynn ....

well I called her and she has not called me back!

So I have no idea ...

but I do know that EVERY TIME Kayli and I make plans, she NEVER holds to them with me!

OH WELL!

Like I have said before, I am not one for sobbing over lost friends!

WHY? you may ask ...

well because I put my all into a friendship but if I don't get back, then OH WELL if we end up not being friends, cuz I did what I needed to be a good friend!

 

Anyways ...

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appt. at 2pm ...

UGHHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't want to go at ALL!

Will you go for me? PLEASE? :)

I'm begging!

 

Well after that I'm going to try to do something with Mark ...

he knows I have off and he told me that he has off and said that we could do something if I would like, I told him I would LOVE to do something ...

now what am I going to do with him though?

 

Thursday ...

Everyone has to work, so I probably will not do anything!

I will probably use that day to just chill and relax ....

catch up from last week ...

I am still so exhausted that I have been sleeping about 10-12 hours a night for the past like 4 nights!

But I sure can not wait until pay day! :)

OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I am so excited just thinking about that nice check!

I have been shopping ... well not really shopping, because I am not making any purchases ..... but LOOKING around fro things for my apartment when I move .....

Did you know that Target.com sells furniture?

Well they do, but it is EXPENSIVE!

Well Tammy saw an apartment by her house .... it's in a really quite neighborhood .....

but I don't know about how convenient it would be for me since I don't drive!

Which speaking of which ...

that will be my MAIN goal once I move out ....

getting my license and a car!

But until then my main focus is getting out of this damn house!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

A Day Of Sadness!

Well today makes it one year since Alicia's death!

One year without my dear friend!

I miss her so much!

She was one of the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for!

One year without seeing her smiling face, except for in the picture that sits in the "friends forever" frame beside my bed!

I look at it daily and tell her how much I miss her and love her!

I wish she were here now to talk to me .....

but I do know that she is up above looking down on me!

I just wish I could talk to her .....

I just want to hear her laugh, see her smile, hear her voice!

But time can not be turned back, and I know I will get to see her in the after life!

And when I do, it will be just like old times!

 

I LOVE AND MISS YOU DEARLY ALICIA JOY STRAUSS!

I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART AND THOUGHTS!

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SPACE HERE IN MY HEART, THAT NOTHING OR NO ONE CAN EVER REPLACE!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Still HAPPY!

I am still happy that Mark and I talked things out and are getting along now ...

I still do not have any regrets!

He stopped by my store AGAIN today just to see me! :)

I told ya ever since we started talking again, he is  a new person ....

He says nice things to me, he visited me 2 days in a row at work!

He offered to get me something at Best Buy today with some of his Best Buy Bucks that he won!

I told him no thank you!

He is so sweet!

Calling me MORE than before!

Always wants to talk to me!

Just always putting a smile on my face!

Anyways,

I had to work 12 hours today (9:30am-9:30pm) and now I am beat ...

and I have to go back in tomorrow morning to Tammy and Lisa's store to help with Inventory some more ...

that's where I was from 4:30pm-9:30pm tonight!

I only worked 9:30am-4:30pm at my store today!

I am so TIRED!

Oh, I have been so out of it that I realized when I woke up this morning that I never ate A SINGLE thing yesterday ...

not on purpose, I just was not hungry ... it's too hot ...

so I went 48 hours without eating and did not even try it ....

I have something else I want to write about but I'll have to do it tomorrow when I get home, my letters are beginning to look all the same ...

remind me it has to do with Footlocker's Manager and having a baby!

 

I guess I better get going ....

I

Need

Shut

EYE!

Monday, July 17, 2006

What A Surprise!

I am sitting here in a good mood ... why you ask .... well I had a visitor today at work .... can you guess who it may have been?

 

 

Mark! I almost fell over, because the last time I saw him was last Sunday when he said we should just be friends!

May I add that since Mark and I talked this past Thursday, things have been GREAT!

I just wish we could have been this open with each other in the beginning ....

but all that matters is that we are open with each other now and it is working so well!

We talk a lot more now too!

I always get this giddy little feeling when we are talking, just knowing that we tried to make this work, and we are back on the track on "talking" and it feels wonderful inside!

I can not believe that until this day I still do not regret going against what I said I would not do ...

I do not regret calling him at 2 in morning on Friday to talk about things and start all over again!

I am happy to see that for a change me expressing my feelings to a guy has actually helped and not made things worse!

I am thankful that God has given us another chance and that Mark and I are taking it more seriously then the last time!

I am EXTREMELY happy that we can say what is on our mind to each other and not be scared of hurting their feelings!

Because we have learned to take each other's criticism very well ...

we know that it is only being said to help us improve ourselves!

 

btw ....

the date we were to have yesterday .... we did not go because he didn't have any money and neither did I ....

I take all my money after I pay my bills and hand it over to my best friend Lisa for saving!

But he left it up to me whether we were going to do something or not .... and I thought it was best that we just hold off until we have money!

But life is GREAT for me right now and I am simply loving it! :)

Sunday, July 16, 2006

A Memory I'm Not Sure I Want To Let Go Of

Well this coming Saturday it will be a year since my dear friend Alicia has passed away!

I miss my girl very very dearly!

I wish daily for her to be here by my side!

She was an amazing friend ....

and as this time rolls around I continue to think about how I blame myself for her death!

If I would have been a better friend and visited more she would not have been her situation or at least I could have made her feel better about life ....

that way she would have not felt as low of herself as she did ...

making her kill herself!

I keep picturing her in my mind laying in her casket all beaten up from her roommate ...

that she was trying to pass off as her boyfriend ....

I KNOW better than that ...

Alicia was a lesbian and HATED men with the highest capacity EVER ....

at least when it came to relationships ....

she had many many guy friends ...

but none that she would ever date!

She was in love with my dear friend Julie ....

they were in love with each other ...

then they began fighting ....

They were not meant for each other, at least in a relationship, but could be VERY VERY close friends ...

Julie if you read this, I do not blame you at all and I do not want you to blame yourself at all for what has happened, I completely understand you leaving, it sure is a shame though that this is the ending of a fine relationship the two of you held! I know that Alicia is up there looking down saying how proud she is of you now .... you have become this grown girl that has a great head on her shoulder, not that you never did! I know I am for sure SO SO SO SO HAPPY that you stopped dancing! I think you will see a brighter future for yourself now! Your life has cleaned up a lot and I just wish Alicia was here to pat you on your back and tell you how proud she is of you, as like I said before I know she is! I miss you like crazy and hope that you come to visit us soon ......

I sure do hate the way we all grew apart!

We promised we would stay close, and we did the opposite!

I miss the crowd .....

Alicia, Jose, Tyrone, Miah, Julie, Dee, and everyone else!

I miss the late nights of just laying around talking about what the future held for all of us ....

as all of you mainly were looking at your love lives, I was looking at my work life ....

I never was one to be in a relationship!

We have plenty of memories to live off of ....

but it sure does still hurt, knowing that one of my closet friends is not here to share life with me!

ALICIA JOY STRAUSS I MISS YOU GIRL AND I LOVE YOU!

You will NEVER EVER lose your spot in my heart!

You have your own special place and no one can EVER take that away from me!

MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PEACE!

Here is a look back to the day I first wrote about her passing and another entry not too long after!

Friday, July 14, 2006

STOP! No More Getting Excited!

Okay okay enough is enough ...

I have a confession to make!

So before all of you get too excited from the last entry!

I MUST tell the truth!

Mark went like psycho last night!

I am so serious!

He called 40 times within a half hour!

NO JOKING!

My best friend Lisa was there and was like DAMN!

I was ready to PAY someone to take my phone!

I was so damn frustrated!

Then he left a voice mail saying how if I didn't answer he was coming to my house, I didn't answer the next calls so then he leaves another voice mail and says I'm on my way ....

kept calling on his way to my house!

Gets to my house and then leaves another voice mail and says that he is about to go knock on my door ...

I text him and told him not to knock on the door because I was not home!

he asked why he should believe me ...

i didn't answer ....

he kept calling and texting me!

I kept ignoring him ...

I was trying my hardest!

Then I walk in the door and he leaves a voice mail saying that the earrings I got him for Easter, he wanted to give them back,he was going to bring them to my store today and I text him and told him that I did not want them

they were a gift and I did not want them, he insisted on bringing them back I told him to give them to someone then, because I did not want them back!

They were his! I don't want them, they are only going to cause heartache for me seeing them in my jewelry box!

Well we text back and forth for about 2 hours!

I told him how I HATED HIM!

Because I did .... (side note: look at those words closely ... DID)

Well he finally text me his last goodbye (which btw, tore my heart out and shredded it to pieces) and then I began thinking ....

I have one last question ..... so I thought how I wanted to word it, got up and text him ...

'I just have one last question .... how could you say "Oh my god I want you so bad" and then three days later just want to be friends?'

Well he had a very good answer and it began .......

I told him how I opened up to him like no I did with no other guy, how I really tried my hardest in the beginning and gave up after I did not see any effort from him, how I think things could have worked out between us if we had communicated better!

I poured my little heart and soul out to him ...

and I did not want to show him any emotions other than I hated him ....

well it didn't work and I began crying and texting him on how much i really like him!

 

Then I tried calling him .... it was sending mestraight to voice mail .... I tried twice and gave up and just kept texting him ...

he asked me to call and I said I tried but I was being sent straight to voice mail, so he told me to try again and I got through and we talked ...

and talked ...

and talked ..

and talked,

oh and we talked some more!

It felt like I had made a good decision!

I felt everything was right for a change!

I felt like even though I said I was going to ignore him until he left me alone, I felt like it was right to be talking to him!

I woke up this morning and it still felt right!

It still feels right as I sit here typing this!

The ONLY other person that knows about this (besides all of you now) is Lisa!

Of course she knows though .... I tell her EVERYTHING!

She never misses a thing in my life!

She has been so supportive of me ...

I swear she is my mom! (she is only 13 years older than me though, and people ask us all the time if we are mother and daughter ... she gets frustrated and I say, "I wish!" okay I'm getting off track here, sorry)

I know though that ONLY I know what is right for my heart!

I hope though that I have made the right decision!

I told Lisa though, usually whenever I make a decision about a guy (usually the endingof our relationship, or the repairing part) I am ALWAYS wrong!

I sit hours later regretting my decision ...

I wake up the next day wishing I had not done what I had ....

but this time it was different!

I DO NOT regret anything I said or did!

I don't regret saying I hate him, I don't regret pouring my heart out to him, I don't regret telling him I thought he had became an asshole 2 months ago when he got "comfortable," I don't regret calling him and fixing our relationship, I don't regret only getting 3 hours sleep because of all this last night, i don't regret A SINGLE THING!

And let me just tell you, it feels great!

I kept telling him last night how good it felt to be able to "talk" to him last night, I could say anything to him and not feel bad or scared of what he may say!

I told him I felt like we made such a great accomplishment!

I know though that we are ONLY friends .....

I hope no chick comes along ....

because there are signs that he is willing to try again for a relationship, we just agreed that we need to become closer friends before anything in the relationship field is possible!

He is going back to college in December! :)

I am so happy for him, yet sad because that is my b-day month! :(

A month after his b-day ......

and I hope by then we are more than friends ... then again I'm not sure if I could handle him being away at college with all that fresh young meat!

So yes, it will be a tough ride, but I am ready for it ....

he now knows I was serious about doing anything just to make him happy!

I stand by him, whether it hurts me or not!

So yes, things change and they sure did for me in one day!

less than that ... more like one hour!

I sure hope I made the right decision this time!

Please God all I ask is that you give me strength and daily reminders to 'just be friends' with Mark! I ask that you lead me into the right path!

I know that God has made me do this for a reason ... whether I learn a lesson from this, or he learns a lesson from it, or for me to grow relationship experience, or whatever it may be ... I am thankful that everything happened the way it did!

NO REGRETS!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

 

btw, I almost forgot ... Mark and I have a "DATE" sunday night when I get off of work! HOW EXCITING? Why a date? Because we decided (okay, okay, he decided) that we need to sit down and talk about EVERYTHING! So that is what we are going to do!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

FINALLY AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!

Well I have finally came to an accomplishment!

I am so proud of myself and I hope that all of you will be too!

Last night Mark called when I was going into wal-mart with Lisa and I answered it ....

Side note: I KNOW Lisa was mad, and I fully understand why, she wants the best for me, and hates him, she got to see a side of him that J-land did not, I fully agree with her and understand her feelings about him!

well I told him the phone was making weird noises, which it was, I was not lying, and he asked if I wanted to call him when I left wal-mart, and I said sure ....

but guess what .....

I never called him back!

YEAH!

I finally am doing it!

I am finally letting go!

He called me at 12:22am, 12:39am and I did not answer either time ....

:) I can not stop smiling because I am FINALLY being strong!

He then called and woke me up at 9:39am this morning ....

Didn't answer it :)

But oddly he left a voice mail message ....

he NEVER leaves voice mail messages for me ....

so I go get my phone, it's on the other side of the bedroom, and listen to his voice mail message, and he told me he worked until 5 and to give him a call ...

Sorry boy, but I guess you'll be waiting all day for me to call,

because I am not calling and I am deleting his store phone number so that I can't call, I don't know that number like at all to be able to call if it's not in my phone!

I sure am proud of myself and sure hope that I can keep this up!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Not Who I Say I Am!

Well I said that I was not going to talk to Mark anymore .....

but I keep feeling like that is the childish thing to do ....

so he texted me and I texted him back ...

we text back and forth for about a 1/2 hour then he called and we talked for 2 mins .....

but I said I was not going to do this ...

so why am I?

 

Why am I lying to you and myself?

Why can't I just let go?

Monday, July 10, 2006

Extended Venting!

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea from the last entry ...

I could not write everything that I wanted to since I was getting ready to go out the door when I stopped by to relieve some of the stress ...

it did help a little to have gotten a chance to write in here before I went to work!

I knew for about a month or so now that it was time to let Mark go ...

but for some DUMB reason (my weakness ... I am NOT strong when it somes to relationships at all ... I become dependant on their love and attention .... and I am a VERY VERY emotional person) I kept thinking that I could change my attitude towards him and put up with some of the stupid shit he did ...

I thought if I kept trying that eventually we could make it work ....

when underneath it all I really did know he needed to go ...

but as I said before I become attached to the fact that they are there and I want and feel as if I need their loving and attention ...

when I knew that I also can do better by myself without all this STUPID DRAMA!

I HATE DRAMA more than anything!

It makes me want to scream!

After all my crying last night and today at work ....

I feel better and better about the situation as the hours pass by!

I keep thanking god that this happened!

I know that Mark was not what I wanted or needed!

I am very blessed to have God end this disaster for me!

He was a learning experience for me and I am thankful that I was given that opportunity!

Even though I keep getting upset with myself because when Lisa and Heather first told me about him, I said that I did not want to talk to him, I had a feeling that it would not work and that I was also not ready for a relationship!

But I thought maybe I should for a change listen to what everyone else thinks since it always backfires in my face when I listen to my gut feelings, so I said I would do it ......

and here I am saying I told myself that I should have NEVER done this!

So then why did I insist on trying?

Next time I will listen to my gut feelings!

 

btw ....

Mark called me at my store today and I told him I did not want to talk about anything right then and there because it was not the time or palce he was at work and so was I!

Will he kept getting on my last nerve and I started screaming at him and we both got angry with each other and hung up the phone!

I don't think I will answer any more of his calls because he can not listen to my feelings and what I want ....

it's always what he wants and I tired of it!

So he heard my goodbye for the last time this afternoon ...

I know some of you may think that is childish of me ...

but I am sorry ...

I feel it's the best way to let go of him without it getting UGLY!

I know it will be really hard if he comes back to work at my mall ...

which he said he might be offered the store at our mall ...

and I SO hope that he doesn't ..... just because I know it will be REALLY hard to handle!

I just hope he decides not to and just goes back to college in the spring so I won't have to see him!

Extended Venting!

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea from the last entry ...

I could not write everything that I wanted to since I was getting ready to go out the door when I stopped by to relieve some of the stress ...

it did help a little to have gotten a chance to write in here before I went to work!

I knew for about a month or so now that it was time to let Mark go ...

but for some DUMB reason (my weakness ... I am NOT strong when it somes to relationships at all ... I become dependant on their love and attention .... and I am a VERY VERY emotional person) I kept thinking that I could change my attitude towards him and put up with some of the stupid shit he did ...

I thought if I kept trying that eventually we could make it work ....

when underneath it all I really did know he needed to go ...

but as I said before I become attached to the fact that they are there and I want and feel as if I need their loving and attention ...

when I knew that I also can do better by myself without all this STUPID DRAMA!

I HATE DRAMA more than anything!

It makes me want to scream!

After all my crying last night and today at work ....

I feel better and better about the situation as the hours pass by!

I keep thanking god that this happened!

I know that Mark was not what I wanted or needed!

I am very blessed to have God end this disaster for me!

He was a learning experience for me and I am thankful that I was given that opportunity!

Even though I keep getting upset with myself because when Lisa and Heather first told me about him, I said that I did not want to talk to him, I had a feeling that it would not work and that I was also not ready for a relationship!

But I thought maybe I should for a change listen to what everyone else thinks since it always backfires in my face when I listen to my gut feelings, so I said I would do it ......

and here I am saying I told myself that I should have NEVER done this!

So then why did I insist on trying?

Next time I will listen to my gut feelings!

 

btw ....

Mark called me at my store today and I told him I did not want to talk about anything right then and there because it was not the time or palce he was at work and so was I!

Will he kept getting on my last nerve and I started screaming at him and we both got angry with each other and hung up the phone!

I don't think I will answer any more of his calls because he can not listen to my feelings and what I want ....

it's always what he wants and I tired of it!

So he heard my goodbye for the last time this afternoon ...

I know some of you may think that is childish of me ...

but I am sorry ...

I feel it's the best way to let go of him without it getting UGLY!

I know it will be really hard if he comes back to work at my mall ...

which he said he might be offered the store at our mall ...

and I SO hope that he doesn't ..... just because I know it will be REALLY hard to handle!

I just hope he decides not to and just goes back to college in the spring so I won't have to see him!

Reality Check

So I am sitting here about to pour my heart out to all of you, once again!

yesterday was a day for a reality check, and man did it come and cash out ....

almost bounced, but it went through!

I layed around and didn't really do much but watch t.v. and compare it to my life ......

then I read more of my book (The Stork Reality) and thought about my future and how could I compare it to my future!

Then Mark called and we have been having quite a few "serious" talks ....

and I have known for a while, just not admitting to it, that we could NEVER be a couple ...

we argue too much and we are too alike ....

it just would never work!

Well we went to eat (Well he did I just went along to what I thought would just be us spending time together trying to make it work) and it ended up being the end!

We both agreed on how we know that we are not meant for each other and we asked each other's opinions until it all began sinking into my head ......

this was it, this was the end ....

there was no more getting excited when he called .....

no more getting excited when he stopped by to see me at work, no more being the girl that he was trying for ....

there would be a NEW chick ....

I bet she would be prettier than me, skinner than me, more fun than me, more open to him than me ....

I just beagn to think that I would HAVE to live with seeing him with some OTHER girl on his arm ....

and if my gut feeling is right .....

this will all happen in a matter of days, maybe weeks before I found out ....

but I do feel there already is another girl, and he may have started tlaking to her and then realized I was not the one he wanted anymore then broke the news to me so that he could have this other chick!

But I thought LONG & HARD about how I really feel .....

I know it will take time for me to be completely over him ....

considering I tried a lot of new things with him .....

But I know I can pull through it ......

I could not go to sleep until almost 2 because I was bawling my eyes out about him and Life in general ....

and something that for some unknown reason is becoming a habit for me ....

is that when I get this upset about a guy knowing that it can't be what I want it to be, I get SO sick to my stomach and start puking ....

I used to not be like that ....

it just happened for the first time 2 years ago when my boyfriend stopped calling me and answering my calls and I went to his house and well I won't get into it, but it got ugly for my feelings and I just started puking in the grass!

It happened a little while back when Mark was still working at my mall and we had a pretty big disagreement, I got REALLY sick that night ....

and then it happened again last night ...

it has become this NASTY habit for me and I don'tknow how it started or how to end it!

So anyways I finally fell asleep crying and jumped straight up out of my sleep at 5:30am and was not able to go back to sleep ....

I think it made it worse because I knew at 7:00am I had to get up and call him so he could get ready for work ... then I had to begin to get ready for work!

Now I sit here with a better attitude towards the situation ....

He was a learning experience for me and that's it ......

God has good intentions and has made this happen for a reason ....

I am sorry if anything is spelled wrong but there is no time for me to do a spell check ...

I must run off to work ....

and face more reality!

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

I need to write

As I sit here with a billion thoughts running through my head,

I try, I said TRY, to get this out in as little words as possible and as organized as possible!

Please do not hate me and forgive me if it is not either!

I am having a hard time keeping everything straight right now!

 

Okay, I am here for one reason .....

as I am sure most of you already know what my problem is AGAIN!

And yet are even probably SICK of hearing it as well!

 

You bet your bottom dollar, it is Mark again!

I really like to think I like him and that I want to hold a future with him ....

until I hold more and more thoughts then I begin to confuse myself with what I really want from him, if anything!

This is a vicious cycle for me ...

and it happens on an average of about 5 times a day in a repeated manner!

It starts when I wake up and does not stop until my eyelids close for sleep ...

and even then it is hard ...

it is VERY hard the past week for me to go to sleep because of this!

I know some of you may say this is love, but that is why I am here, because I am unsure ....

due to my NON-educated ways with relationships, feelings, the truth, and anything else that may have to do with becoming a partner in such a INTENSE situation!

Let me just write a few things that are bubbling around in my thought bubbles .......

(for now anyways)

1. he has a habit that I am not particularly okay with, something  I would normally stop talking to a guy because of!

2. he is in a few ways someone I normally would not choose from a crowd and dream about becoming his girlfriend, or even him to notice me for that matter. I am not saying that I do not think he is cute, but just not someone I would CRAVE for!

3. There are a lot of times where I feel as if I am not pretty enough for him, that I am not skinny enough for him, that I am just flat out not good enough for him! Part of my reasoning on this is because of his comments of people he thinks are hot .... NOTHING in comparison with me ... nothing at all, not even hair color! (also because of number 4)

4. He gets hit on A LOT! Like at least once everyday! This is another reason why I feel as if I am not good enough for him .... now he is the one that brought it to the table that he thought I was cute (hot, pretty, whatever words he used to describe me to Lisa and Heather on St. Patrick day .... how horrible am I for remembering that?) Him being hit on bothers me a lot because then I continue to think about how I could loose him so easily to some random chick! It also makes me nervous about cheating and dishonesty ... even though I guess I should not worry about because he tells me when he gets hit on .... the next time we talk he tells me!

5. He used to say to me how pretty I was, how how SOFT my skin was, how he loved my smile, how good I smelled, how cute I was angry, etc. Now he BARLEY (like once a month) compliments me! I am a needy female, I admit to this ... I need compliments to feel better about myself!

6. I consistently compromise and do things that I would not normally do, I do them just for him, to see that gorgeous smile of his! To see his eyes light up the room with excitement just because he has won yet another battle with me! I want him to do things that I may like INSTEAD of things he may like just to see me smile ...... but he has not done this ONCE for me! Not that I can recall ... and I really hope that I have not forgotten something as important as that!

7. He seems to NEVER be wrong in our arguments ...although what man ever is? He always stresses how is thinks his theory is the CORRECT theory and there is no other possible logic for anything we may argue about .... and I do admit he is right about 75% of the time .... or at least he brings a valid point across and can make me change my point of view!

8. I'M WRONG? Yes, you read that right, tonight (about an hour or so ago, I admitted I was wrong instead of continuing to argue with him ...... yes he was right, I did not say he was just to end the fight, only because I layed down and thought about how childish I was being! Of course I may have not noticed I was wrong if I had picked up the phone the 5 times he called and I left my phone ring until he was sent to my voice mail! Then I heard how upset he was and thought about the situation and IMMEDIATELY knew I was wrong for SURE this time!

9. I am really moody because I NEVER see him anymore ... I miss him like crazy! I think about how I want our relationship on the next level and yet how can we get there if we are here ARGUING all the time? I need a book on relationships for DUMMIES! No kidding I do!

10. He ALWAYS has plans to be with one of his friends or he has to go because one of his friends are calling or coming over or he just got to one of his friends house! I feel like they play an important role right now then I do ..... and I am not saying that they are not important or anything, I just hate that they have ALL his time outside of work and I have NONE!

11. We fight ALL the time, like we are some married couple or two people that have been dating for ages .... and we are just friends that are "talking" but getting no where! We fight over stupid things and I hate that more than any other thing on this list!

12. We NEVER talk anymore ..... our phone conversations are anywhere between 3-15 mins. tops! I hate that we can not communicate with each other as well as I would like us to!

13. I just noticed this tonight after our argument ..... I think I tend to start yelling and getting mad WAY to fast over stupid petty things, I think non-intentionally I find things to argue with him about just because I think that is what my brain is used to! I know that I do not do it on purpose, I would NEVER do such a thing! HONESTLY! But I think I egg arguments on and want to have a reason to be mad at him! But why?

14. I do not have a whole heck of a lot of relationship experience. And the few boyfriends that I did have NONE of them were a SERIOUS relationship ..... all of them were childish! None were a grown girls type!

15. I never even really had a REAL relationship to watch and learn from .... Lisa has brought this to my attention a few weeks ago ... and I totally agree ..... I am clueless on how to treat a man right ..... I am clueless to knowing what man are about and want, etc.

16. In the end I know he cares for me and our relationship and so do I .... but why are we CONSTANTLY bumping heads?

I am sorry this is so long and boring ....

I just needed to write this down and get it out of the way .... I need a head clear of thoughts!

I am not writing this to say how a horrible person he is, because he is not, I am writing this to help myself figure out what I need to say to him and figure out what I am doing wrong!

Because the more I sit and think about things the more I realize I am wrong more than I am right!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Well it has been a rough few days for me .....

I am trying to find the positive ...

but it is really hard!

First of all ......

the doctor called me this morning and said that I need to come back in for another pap ....

yeah, how exciting for me?

j/k ... I hope everything is ok!

 

Next Mark had to help open a new store in new jersey ...

he left EARLY yesterday morning and had to be there today too ....

I don't know if he is leaving tonight or tomorrow morning ....

all I know is that I miss him ...

he didn't even call last night ....

or so far today! :(

I need to hear his voice just for comfort!

 

Lisa has been acting funny lately ....

she has been real distant ...

I don't know if I did something to her or not!

I feel like I have been this horrible person here lately!

To my friends and myself!

I even deleted the 40 journal alerts that I had ....

just too much going on and I can not keep up!

 

I have tried calling Lisa and she didn't answer the phone ...

but I know she NEVER hears the phone or she is NEVER home ...

she also was holding some money for me so that I would not spend it ...

it was my lunch money but I tend to spend it on other things if I see it in my wallet ...

so I gave it to her to hold until Thursday ...

but she had off today, and has off tomorrow and Friday ...

and I only have like $5.00 in my purse for lunch until she gives me my money back and I have NO idea when that will be .....

It's my fault I gave her my money and have no control over my spending problem!

I also thought that we were going to Lancaster today to get my nameplate ..... but I called her 4 times and she has not called me back yet!

I really think that I did something wrong!

I don't know what though!

OH WELL!

I give up on everything!

I have tried being a strong person, but I am just not fit for the title!

I think I will go cry myself to sleep early tonight!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

You Wanna See WHAT?

Mark and I actually got to spend some quality time together tonight ...

which of course is ALWAYS like heaven on earth to me .....

He is so much nicer to me in person ...

maybe he really does just JOKE around a lot and when I am with him I can tell when he really his ....

but then on the phone I can not tell because I don't know him well enough to tell by his voice ....

only expressions that I can SEE!

That is my theory (for now) and I'm sticking with it! :)

I am just happy that we are still doing good ....

ever since our talk that we had (while my Internet was down, so I couldn't tell you all about it) we have been getting along GREAT ...

yes we still have bumps in our road .....

like in the movie Cars when lighting paves their road .... btw, if you have not seen that movie, please I am BEGGING you, go see it .... I don't care how old you are, I'm 21 and I went to see it and there are plenty other kids movies that I can not wait to release to the theaters!

(It's a good thing my best friend has kids ..... even though I have gone with another adult before to see a kids movie, without ANY child with us)

Anyhoo, I am getting off the subject here .... sorry .....

Mark and my relationship is a work in progress ....

it is tough, I will not lie, because not only do we need to work on our relationship, but we are still getting to know each other ......

I lovehow he makes me feel inside when I am with him .......

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Can anyone tell how I feel right now? :)

He came to see me at work .....

when I was not looking my best .......

or having the best day ......

but once I saw him ....

EVERYTHING was better! :)

He had to go do some things and I got off before he left so I told him to call me and he could come get me when he was ready so we could do something (we had plans since Monday that we were going to hang out today)

Well Nickey came to the mall and stopped to see me before I was getting ready to leave the mall ....

she told me to come over to her house and hang out for a while ......

so I did considering her and I talk on the phone all the time but never hang out ....

I have not been to her house in over a year!

Sad I know ....

and it's all my fault ...

so anyways ....

not even half an hour after I got there Mark called ...

so he met me at her house and we went to Dairy Queen for him to get a blizzard (I had ice cream before I left work ... it was FREE too)

then we went to see ...........

HOLD ON TIGHT TO SOMETHING ....

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I WATCHED .......

 

 

 

 

Are you ready yet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

X-Men 3!

 

I know I know I know!

I compromise for this guy like there is NO tomorrow!

He asked what I wanted to see and I named the movies I did not care for (X-men 3 being one of them) and he said that was the only thing he wanted to see ....

and I always say that I would do ANYTHING in my power to make him happy .......

so therefore I told him if that was the ONLY thing he wanted to see I would watch it ....

plus I know a few of you said it was good!

And I'll admit it was a good movie ....

I now want to see X-Men 1 & 2 ....

and Mark said three was not the last one ....

so if there is a 4 I want to see it!

WHAT HAS MARK DONE TO ME?