Sunday, January 21, 2007

Funfilled Days Of Laughter And Such!

well Lisa and Dontae came over yesterday and Lisa was having a bad morning so we surprised her with the cake and she was happy!

She needed it!

So we ate cake and then Lisa took a nap and the kids and i watched tv and played games for a few hours while she slept!

Then she got up and we played games together and I cooked dinner.

Then we watched a movie and then they went home!

But as far as today goes, it doesn't look like anyone is coming over!

My one friend, Ashley, that was supposed to come over got into a huge fight with her boyfriend last night so she is staying home today!

My other friend, Annette,  got called into work, so I don't think she is coming over now!

And Nickey has not called me yet, so I don't think she is coming over now!

But it's okay b/c I will take this time and either relax or use today to go through some stuff in my bedroom!

I still have 4 days not including today left for my vacation!

So I have plenty of time to do as I please! :)

Thanx for all the kind words left in comments, I really needed that!

It made me cry!

And to answer a comment left ...

Sounds like you guys had fun - I play candy land with my five year old everyday believe me it gets old.  I love watching Deal or no Deal - is the game fun to play??  Please wish Lisa a Happy Birthday.  Have a great weekend and enjoy your company.  Leene
Comment from crewsfour - 1/20/07 12:02 PM

 

Yes the deal or no deal game is VERY fun! I got it at wal-mart for like $16! You just hook it up to the tv and play! It's phenomenal! :)

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Busy Weekend!

Well for starters thanx so much for all the kind words ...

as soon as I either fix my digital camera or get a new one, I will take pictures that all of you have been so patiently waiting for since I have moved here almost 6 months ago!

Tomorrow is my best friend, Lisas birthday! :)

Her and the kids came over last night and I cooked dinner and we baked cookies and played loads of games ....

Dejya brought over candy lane (we didn't play that), and the littlest pet shop.

Then we went to wal-mart and I bought Dontae a deal or no deal game to play on the tv ... we played that .... then I bought Dejya a littlest pet shop go fish card game ... and we played that!

We had loads of fun last night!

then I ordered a movie on digital cable ....

we got you, me, and dupree!

That movie was so funny!

Dejya spent the night ....

we got up and ate breakfast, then she played games on the tv and computer and I baked a cake for Lisa  ....

then Dejya and I will frost it and put candles on it and surprise Lisa when her and Dontae come over!

Then tomorrow I have quite a few visitors coming over!

I am so happy that my life is starting to finally come together after all my hard work! :)

Well I will try to write later tonight about how everything goes tonight!

Officially On Vacation! YEAH!

So I am officially on vacation!

I am so excited!

I got my new couch and loveseat today ...

it is gorgeous and very very comfortable!

I get my bed frame, sheet set, and some candle decorations delivered within the next week!

I get my new mattress set delivered the 1st of February!

I am so excited!

Everything is FINALLY coming together!

I finally have time to throw a housewarming party too!

I could not right away due to not having the proper furniture and not having time!

I am so happy!

My computer has still been acting up but my parents neighbor gave me a monitor so hopefully I should be alright now ...

cross your fingers!

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Dreams

So after typing that entry last night I thought to myself, I have to make my life better!

I know love comes to those who are not expecting it!

But I still can not help the fact that I feel empty inside!

I feel that I need to feel that hole!

But anyways, I watched some t.v. ..... knowing my luck all that was on was love movies ... save the last dance and love don't cost a thing!

I went to sleep finally around 2:30am and what do expect other me to have a dream of Mark!

I never had dreams of him and I when we were talking ...

only now that we have stopped talking I have dreams all the time!

I had a dream that he kept rubbing it in my face that he has began talking to another girl and he don't need shit from me anymore, he slammed his door in my face.

And in reality he really is talking to another girl .... and he started talking to her BEFORE him and I stopped talking ........ and she knew of me, but I had NO clue about her! She knew my name and everything!

I think maybe that's why this is even extra hard!

Because knowing this chick knows everything about me, but I know nothing about her, except what I found on her myspace page!

I don't want to care about them two, I don't want to care about him, I don't want to crave a relationship ...

but for some reason I am!

BUT WHY?

It's Hard Moving On!

The past days have really been rough ...

moving on from Mark and my relationship has been hard the past few days ...

Not because I care about him ...

Because believe me I have NO feelings or a care in the world for him anymore ...

It's hard because I was such a great person to him ...

I gave him whatever he wanted or needed and all he did was lie to me and lead me to believe that we would have a relationship and then lie to me about me being his girlfriend ...

Which I never really told any of you about ...

One day he asked me to be his girlfriend and he said I was then not even a week later I felt weird and asked him what we were, and if we were just friends and he said yea, and looked at me crazy like why did I expect anything other than that!

I told him to never talk to me again and what he did was below cold and wrong ...

I have NEVER in my life been treated so lowly!

I gave him any and everything I possibly could ...

I even took from myself so he could have ...

There was a time that I took my grocery money and gave it to him so he could have food instead ...

There was a time that I took money from my rent money so he could pay his bills ...

I also was under the impression that he was going to pay my back before my rent was due ...

But he didn't ...

But luckily I had just enough on my check before rent was due ....

But it also meant no groceries or anything ....

Just rent!

And something did end up bouncing in my account .... and he couldn't even give me the money he owed me then so I could take care of it ....

But it was b/c some company for 2 or 3 months was taking $$$ out of my account and I never authorized for it!

So in the long run I did get my money back but I still had to pay the fee for it bouncing!

Anyways back to my point ....

I have been just watching people in the mall the past few days and thinking about their lives and are they happy b/c they have a man or do they have drama and are they sad like me?

I start thinking about how long it took them to find happiness if they are happy ...

And what makes them sad in life since they have a happy relationship!

I began thinking about if I am ever going to have a family like I want!

Am I ever going to get married like I want?

Will I grow old and die with the father of my kids?

Will some of my kids have different fathers due to marriages not working out?

Will I end up a failure like the majority of my family?

How long will I remain this sad depressed soul?

Should I be happy that I have no guy in my life?

What am I doing wrong to not be able to find the right guy?

I have not been in a relationship for almost 3 years now ....

And that was not even a real relationship ...

So technically it has been about 5 years ....

I crave to have a boyfriend, to have someone tell me they love me, to have someone hold me and tell me everything will be alright, to have someone want to spend every minute of their day with me, to have someone to hold my hand, I want someone to send my flowers every now and then, I want someone to buy me meaningful jewelry, I want to be able to return all of these things to the guy as well, I just want a relationship.

I lack love in my life mainly b/c of my family and because I don't really have a family that provides love ...

I have this holein my heart and I feel it will never be filled!

I feel that GOD does not intend for my to be loved ...

Only by my friends, which don't get me wrong I am VERY thankful for all of them (all of you included), but I want to have family members that care about me and love me, and I want a boyfriend that will love me unconditionally!

I look at all the people I know and they have either their own little family with their husbands, fianc├ęs, kids, boyfriends or they have brothers, sisters, cousins, neices, nephwes, aunts, grandparents, mothers, fathers, and so on that love them ... and I just feel lost and left out!

I can't help but to hate when I see a family somewhere because I get jealous ..

I get so jealous of all the mother and daughters that come to my stand and have this great bond and I don't have that with my mother!

I am a true believer in GOD makes everything happen for a reason but I just can not think of why he wants me to be single!

I am not asking to start my family right now!

I just want a boyfriend so I can fill that empty spot in my heart where no love remains!

I want to feel whole ...

I want to feel like the majority of the world in the happiness of a relationship with a make/female that loves them!

I want to feel like I am important to someone, that if they didn't hear my voice that day that they would be calling my phone time after time looking for me!

I know I am young ... and I have so much ahead of me .. but I can't help but to want to be loved!

I feel so empty inside that I cry everyday (almost cry everyday, sometimes I hold the tears back, but these thoughts still cross my mind) wondering why I have ALWAYS been the one out of everyone I know to be the single one with no kids (which for now is one good thing) with the empty hole in my heart for me to fill with a guy!

And because of all of these things I can't help but to think there are things wrong with me that guys don't even want to approach me!

Is it that I'm ugly?

Is it because they think I'm pretty and assume I have a b/f?

Is it because I don't seem to be their type?

Is it because they are scared to approach me?

Is it because I seem like an unapproachable person?

Is it because I am overweight?

Is it because I work in the mall and don't have a real job?

Is it because I can be very loud sometimes, not on purpose, but because that's how I was raised?

Is it because I don't drive?

Is it because I am not the perfect EXPRESS or Victoria Secrets kind of girl?

WHAT IS IT?

What is keeping me from being loved?

Saturday, January 6, 2007

No Life!

I have no life whatsoever!

I work and come home!

THAT'S IT!

I have very very few friends but they have a life!

So i don't really hang out with them much!

Like Lisa she has 2 kids so she spends most of her time with them and her mother!

I'm not mad about that, I am very happy that she is such a great mother to her kids!

Then there is Ashley, she is young and she spends ALL her spare time with her boyfriend!

Whenever her and I hang out, he is there too!

I just wish that I had more friends so that I HAD a life!

I think another reason for me not having a life is because I don't drive and where I live I can not just go wherever I want to!

My 5 year class reunion is coming up and I really don't think I am going to it!

I don't want to go to something where everyone is going to judge me for what I have and have not gotten accomplished in those 5 years!

I just don't understand it!

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Just What I Needed

Thanks a lot everyone for all your kind words!

I really needed it!

I have been down the past week really bad,

I miss being here in j-land on a regular basis ...

but with things as crazy as they have been

and my computer not working for weeks at a time, it sucks and I really could not get on here!

I think I am going to either get my brand new couch and love seat this pay day OR get my brand new bed set ...

I'm not quite sure which one though!

i was thinking maybe I'll just pay on my couch and love seat (It's on a layaway plan)

and buy my desk AND bed!

Then the following pay day get my couch and love seat off layaway!

Things will soon be here and I soon can laugh and smile again!

I was talking to one of the girls that i hired this season to work for me just for Christmas (I knew her from working at one of the other stores 2 years ago), anyways she said I can buy her car!

So I figure maybe, depending how much she wants for it, I can buy her car this summer!

Then I can get someone to teach me how to drive!

My mom's fiance called me tonight ...

when I moved I never told them where I was moving to, and I kind of lied to them, about what apartment complex it was ....

I didn't want my family to know where I was living!

Well tonight my dad said (Out of nowhere), "It's not a good idea to have your brother over there!"

I responded, "Why?"

"Well, I thought the point was for no one to know where you live?"

"Well people already found out where I am living anyways!"

"Who?"

"Well I thought you knew from when I called the cops!"

"No!"

"Well didn't they give my address?"

"No just your name and phone number!"

"OH!"

(side note: I called the cops a few weeks ago because of my annoying neighbor for ALWAYS blaring his music all hours of the day and night! And well when i called the police gave my name and number over the scanner ... and my dad has a scanner in his living room, bedroom, tow truck, and his jeep! He heard my info. and called me and asked me why I called the cops!)

So my dad knows and does not seem to upset about me keeping where I live a secret!

When i still lived with my parents, Lisa and I would always see my dad out on tow calls ...

now he said to me tonight, "It's funny cuz now I always see Lisa on RT. ** by herself!"

I said,"Yeah, and she is probably on her way over here!"

"She takes ** to your house?"

"yep! ** to ** Rd. then she takes the back roads from there!"

He was trying to get me to tell him where I live exactly in a sneaky way, but I was not falling for it!

He even said, "DO you live in those apartments across from McDonald's?"

NOPE!

Which is a BIG FAT LIE!

I can walk to McDonald's from my house, I can look out my windows and see it!

But I am firm on him not knowing where I live, at least for a little while longer!

He even asked me why i am not working on my license!

I told him it's because I don't have anyone to teach me ...

I was trying to make him feel guilty ..

I've been asking him since I was like 16!

And he keeps making up excuses!

But it's all good!

I will buy a car and have someone to teach me, and HOPEFULLY I will have my license and car by next Christmas!

That is my main goal right now .... besides my furniture for my apartment!

Then I figured after jan. 2008, I can get another part-time job and then go back to school ...

i want to school now for medical billing! (OR paralegal, I'm back and forth, but I'm leaning more towards medical billing ... I think scrubs are cute HA HA)

So I have BIG goals planned out for me, and I plan to follow and succeed them to the best of my ability!

I will be successful!

i will be different from the rest of my family!

None of them really did anything with their lives!

I refuse to be like them!

That's whY i don't talk to any of them ....

well my mom's fiance calls every now and then, he told me that I am to cal him at least once a week and let him know I am ok, but I don't because me and him are not as close as we used to be, I am closer to him than my own flesh and blood mother, but it's still hard!

He did call me this year for my birthday ... and when I lived at home last year, he never said anything to me that WHOLE day!

So I think me moving out has proved to him that I can do better than they think, and honestly all my friends see that he KILLS my family to see my happy and making it own my own!

They were surprised when they found out it was by myself, with no man or roommates!

They thought I was moving in with my best friend, and I said, "No it's all by myself! NO ONE ELSE!"

My mom's fiance stood there in shock!

My mom still would not say a word to me, not even, "Congrats hunnie, I am very proud of you!"

No instead when i was packing one day I heard her on the phone saying to our neighbor, "She won't make it! She can't do anything in life! She is nothing but a failure! She has no concept of life!"

This coming from the woman that lets her man cheat on her and treat her like crap and does nothing but lay on her ass and eats nothing but fatty foods and refuses to get her license (47 years old and NEVER had it) because she says that she wants people to drive her around, she refuses to leave her man because she says that she does not want to live on her own and struggle, she wants money, she does not want to pay bills. She refuses to eat or drink healthy! The woman is CRAZY!

Yet she says that I am a failure and knows nothing about life!

I eat A HECK of a lot healthy than her, I pay ALL my bills by myself, I don't mind being by myself! I am working on my license because I DO NOT want people to drive me around for the rest of my life!

I want to take trips out of town by myself whenever I feel like it!

I want to be able to repay Lisa back for all the rides she has given me!

I want to be FULLY INDEPENDENT!

I am not asking to rich and famous and have a fabulous house and car ...

just a car that gets me back and forth and my apartment is good enough for me!

Well enough of my ranting and raving!

Thanks for coming to see my journal, even after being gone for well over a month!

It really means a lot to me that all of you stopped by, it took the tears from my eyes and turned them dry and made my frown a smile to see that someone cares!

THANKS!

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Life As I Know It!

So I am so sorry that I have been a stranger!

Things have been CRAZY!

Work was crazy, like every december!

Mark and I are officially NOT talking ... and yes it's is for real this time, no kidding, it's been almost a month and I DO NOT miss him!

I am so happy that he has dissapeared from this thing called life!

I have decided to live life with NO worries on men ... for at least the next year or two!

I want to be single and take care of myself and not care about making a relationship work with some guy!

Especially after what Mark did to me!

He lied to me about us being "boyfriend and girlfriend" and well lets just say I lost it and told him to never speak to me AGAIN!

And well he came crawling back a few times, once crying and saying that he was going to kill himslef, which I've heard about umm I don't know like 5 times, so I showed no sympathy, as he was only doing it because he just wanted me to feel bad and forgive him and I told him i could not do that!

What he did was the lowest thing EVER done by any human being!

And I can not stand beside someone that did such a thing to me and pretend that I am alright by it! Because I'm not! I refuse to keep letting him treat me like a piece of shit!

He told me that he couldn't be with me because of the clothes I wear, because I don't spend alot on them! Also because he was not ready for a relationship!

But than a week later I found out he was already talking to another girl ..... and she knew about me before him and I ever stopped tlaking!

 

~ To Mark ~~~ NICE JACKASS! You sure made me look like a fool, and I sure fell for it!

 

So I saw a picture of the new girl he is talking to ... and well she is DEFINITELY prettier than me! (At least I think it was her ... it was weird how I came acrossed it, I won't try to explain, it's too confusing)

 

But like I said it's all good, I am happy this happened! Because now I can worry just about me and my needs  ...... and hate men for a little while!

Plus I know that karma will come back to him DOUBLE and I know i will find out about it and LAUGH in his face! (HA HA HA, I know that's mean and frankly I DON"T CARE)

 

My apartment is coming along, slowly!

Eventually I will have everything that I need it's just hard when you really don't get paid enough to really save!

And sometimes it sucks not having a family that could give two shits about you and how you are doing!

I wish I had a family that would loan my money to get what I need and pay them back when I have it, but I don't ..... they are all money hngry and don't want to help me, besides the fact that they want to see me fail in life!

I will not! I will have a beautiful apartment if it's the last thing I get done in my life!

I will get my license and get a car!

I will be successful and my family can take NO credit for it!

I will struggle and show them that they can be mean and I can still get by .... slowly but surely!

ONE FINE DAY!

Just one fine day and my life will be great!

I will have something to smile about! ONE DAY!

Please GOD soon though, please!