As I sit here with a billion thoughts running through my head,
I try, I said TRY, to get this out in as little words as possible and as organized as possible!
Please do not hate me and forgive me if it is not either!
I am having a hard time keeping everything straight right now!
Okay, I am here for one reason .....
as I am sure most of you already know what my problem is AGAIN!
And yet are even probably SICK of hearing it as well!
You bet your bottom dollar, it is Mark again!
I really like to think I like him and that I want to hold a future with him ....
until I hold more and more thoughts then I begin to confuse myself with what I really want from him, if anything!
This is a vicious cycle for me ...
and it happens on an average of about 5 times a day in a repeated manner!
It starts when I wake up and does not stop until my eyelids close for sleep ...
and even then it is hard ...
it is VERY hard the past week for me to go to sleep because of this!
I know some of you may say this is love, but that is why I am here, because I am unsure ....
due to my NON-educated ways with relationships, feelings, the truth, and anything else that may have to do with becoming a partner in such a INTENSE situation!
Let me just write a few things that are bubbling around in my thought bubbles .......
(for now anyways)
1. he has a habit that I am not particularly okay with, something I would normally stop talking to a guy because of!
2. he is in a few ways someone I normally would not choose from a crowd and dream about becoming his girlfriend, or even him to notice me for that matter. I am not saying that I do not think he is cute, but just not someone I would CRAVE for!
3. There are a lot of times where I feel as if I am not pretty enough for him, that I am not skinny enough for him, that I am just flat out not good enough for him! Part of my reasoning on this is because of his comments of people he thinks are hot .... NOTHING in comparison with me ... nothing at all, not even hair color! (also because of number 4)
4. He gets hit on A LOT! Like at least once everyday! This is another reason why I feel as if I am not good enough for him .... now he is the one that brought it to the table that he thought I was cute (hot, pretty, whatever words he used to describe me to Lisa and Heather on St. Patrick day .... how horrible am I for remembering that?) Him being hit on bothers me a lot because then I continue to think about how I could loose him so easily to some random chick! It also makes me nervous about cheating and dishonesty ... even though I guess I should not worry about because he tells me when he gets hit on .... the next time we talk he tells me!
5. He used to say to me how pretty I was, how how SOFT my skin was, how he loved my smile, how good I smelled, how cute I was angry, etc. Now he BARLEY (like once a month) compliments me! I am a needy female, I admit to this ... I need compliments to feel better about myself!
6. I consistently compromise and do things that I would not normally do, I do them just for him, to see that gorgeous smile of his! To see his eyes light up the room with excitement just because he has won yet another battle with me! I want him to do things that I may like INSTEAD of things he may like just to see me smile ...... but he has not done this ONCE for me! Not that I can recall ... and I really hope that I have not forgotten something as important as that!
7. He seems to NEVER be wrong in our arguments ...although what man ever is? He always stresses how is thinks his theory is the CORRECT theory and there is no other possible logic for anything we may argue about .... and I do admit he is right about 75% of the time .... or at least he brings a valid point across and can make me change my point of view!
8. I'M WRONG? Yes, you read that right, tonight (about an hour or so ago, I admitted I was wrong instead of continuing to argue with him ...... yes he was right, I did not say he was just to end the fight, only because I layed down and thought about how childish I was being! Of course I may have not noticed I was wrong if I had picked up the phone the 5 times he called and I left my phone ring until he was sent to my voice mail! Then I heard how upset he was and thought about the situation and IMMEDIATELY knew I was wrong for SURE this time!
9. I am really moody because I NEVER see him anymore ... I miss him like crazy! I think about how I want our relationship on the next level and yet how can we get there if we are here ARGUING all the time? I need a book on relationships for DUMMIES! No kidding I do!
10. He ALWAYS has plans to be with one of his friends or he has to go because one of his friends are calling or coming over or he just got to one of his friends house! I feel like they play an important role right now then I do ..... and I am not saying that they are not important or anything, I just hate that they have ALL his time outside of work and I have NONE!
11. We fight ALL the time, like we are some married couple or two people that have been dating for ages .... and we are just friends that are "talking" but getting no where! We fight over stupid things and I hate that more than any other thing on this list!
12. We NEVER talk anymore ..... our phone conversations are anywhere between 3-15 mins. tops! I hate that we can not communicate with each other as well as I would like us to!
13. I just noticed this tonight after our argument ..... I think I tend to start yelling and getting mad WAY to fast over stupid petty things, I think non-intentionally I find things to argue with him about just because I think that is what my brain is used to! I know that I do not do it on purpose, I would NEVER do such a thing! HONESTLY! But I think I egg arguments on and want to have a reason to be mad at him! But why?
14. I do not have a whole heck of a lot of relationship experience. And the few boyfriends that I did have NONE of them were a SERIOUS relationship ..... all of them were childish! None were a grown girls type!
15. I never even really had a REAL relationship to watch and learn from .... Lisa has brought this to my attention a few weeks ago ... and I totally agree ..... I am clueless on how to treat a man right ..... I am clueless to knowing what man are about and want, etc.
16. In the end I know he cares for me and our relationship and so do I .... but why are we CONSTANTLY bumping heads?
I am sorry this is so long and boring ....
I just needed to write this down and get it out of the way .... I need a head clear of thoughts!
I am not writing this to say how a horrible person he is, because he is not, I am writing this to help myself figure out what I need to say to him and figure out what I am doing wrong!
Because the more I sit and think about things the more I realize I am wrong more than I am right!