Tuesday, July 4, 2006

I need to write

As I sit here with a billion thoughts running through my head,

I try, I said TRY, to get this out in as little words as possible and as organized as possible!

Please do not hate me and forgive me if it is not either!

I am having a hard time keeping everything straight right now!

 

Okay, I am here for one reason .....

as I am sure most of you already know what my problem is AGAIN!

And yet are even probably SICK of hearing it as well!

 

You bet your bottom dollar, it is Mark again!

I really like to think I like him and that I want to hold a future with him ....

until I hold more and more thoughts then I begin to confuse myself with what I really want from him, if anything!

This is a vicious cycle for me ...

and it happens on an average of about 5 times a day in a repeated manner!

It starts when I wake up and does not stop until my eyelids close for sleep ...

and even then it is hard ...

it is VERY hard the past week for me to go to sleep because of this!

I know some of you may say this is love, but that is why I am here, because I am unsure ....

due to my NON-educated ways with relationships, feelings, the truth, and anything else that may have to do with becoming a partner in such a INTENSE situation!

Let me just write a few things that are bubbling around in my thought bubbles .......

(for now anyways)

1. he has a habit that I am not particularly okay with, something  I would normally stop talking to a guy because of!

2. he is in a few ways someone I normally would not choose from a crowd and dream about becoming his girlfriend, or even him to notice me for that matter. I am not saying that I do not think he is cute, but just not someone I would CRAVE for!

3. There are a lot of times where I feel as if I am not pretty enough for him, that I am not skinny enough for him, that I am just flat out not good enough for him! Part of my reasoning on this is because of his comments of people he thinks are hot .... NOTHING in comparison with me ... nothing at all, not even hair color! (also because of number 4)

4. He gets hit on A LOT! Like at least once everyday! This is another reason why I feel as if I am not good enough for him .... now he is the one that brought it to the table that he thought I was cute (hot, pretty, whatever words he used to describe me to Lisa and Heather on St. Patrick day .... how horrible am I for remembering that?) Him being hit on bothers me a lot because then I continue to think about how I could loose him so easily to some random chick! It also makes me nervous about cheating and dishonesty ... even though I guess I should not worry about because he tells me when he gets hit on .... the next time we talk he tells me!

5. He used to say to me how pretty I was, how how SOFT my skin was, how he loved my smile, how good I smelled, how cute I was angry, etc. Now he BARLEY (like once a month) compliments me! I am a needy female, I admit to this ... I need compliments to feel better about myself!

6. I consistently compromise and do things that I would not normally do, I do them just for him, to see that gorgeous smile of his! To see his eyes light up the room with excitement just because he has won yet another battle with me! I want him to do things that I may like INSTEAD of things he may like just to see me smile ...... but he has not done this ONCE for me! Not that I can recall ... and I really hope that I have not forgotten something as important as that!

7. He seems to NEVER be wrong in our arguments ...although what man ever is? He always stresses how is thinks his theory is the CORRECT theory and there is no other possible logic for anything we may argue about .... and I do admit he is right about 75% of the time .... or at least he brings a valid point across and can make me change my point of view!

8. I'M WRONG? Yes, you read that right, tonight (about an hour or so ago, I admitted I was wrong instead of continuing to argue with him ...... yes he was right, I did not say he was just to end the fight, only because I layed down and thought about how childish I was being! Of course I may have not noticed I was wrong if I had picked up the phone the 5 times he called and I left my phone ring until he was sent to my voice mail! Then I heard how upset he was and thought about the situation and IMMEDIATELY knew I was wrong for SURE this time!

9. I am really moody because I NEVER see him anymore ... I miss him like crazy! I think about how I want our relationship on the next level and yet how can we get there if we are here ARGUING all the time? I need a book on relationships for DUMMIES! No kidding I do!

10. He ALWAYS has plans to be with one of his friends or he has to go because one of his friends are calling or coming over or he just got to one of his friends house! I feel like they play an important role right now then I do ..... and I am not saying that they are not important or anything, I just hate that they have ALL his time outside of work and I have NONE!

11. We fight ALL the time, like we are some married couple or two people that have been dating for ages .... and we are just friends that are "talking" but getting no where! We fight over stupid things and I hate that more than any other thing on this list!

12. We NEVER talk anymore ..... our phone conversations are anywhere between 3-15 mins. tops! I hate that we can not communicate with each other as well as I would like us to!

13. I just noticed this tonight after our argument ..... I think I tend to start yelling and getting mad WAY to fast over stupid petty things, I think non-intentionally I find things to argue with him about just because I think that is what my brain is used to! I know that I do not do it on purpose, I would NEVER do such a thing! HONESTLY! But I think I egg arguments on and want to have a reason to be mad at him! But why?

14. I do not have a whole heck of a lot of relationship experience. And the few boyfriends that I did have NONE of them were a SERIOUS relationship ..... all of them were childish! None were a grown girls type!

15. I never even really had a REAL relationship to watch and learn from .... Lisa has brought this to my attention a few weeks ago ... and I totally agree ..... I am clueless on how to treat a man right ..... I am clueless to knowing what man are about and want, etc.

16. In the end I know he cares for me and our relationship and so do I .... but why are we CONSTANTLY bumping heads?

I am sorry this is so long and boring ....

I just needed to write this down and get it out of the way .... I need a head clear of thoughts!

I am not writing this to say how a horrible person he is, because he is not, I am writing this to help myself figure out what I need to say to him and figure out what I am doing wrong!

Because the more I sit and think about things the more I realize I am wrong more than I am right!

7 comments:

bmorrrick said...

Theresa,

I'm so sorry you are so confused and upset.  It's hard for me to try to offer any advice, because I don't know why you two argue so much.  If it is silly, non-important things, I'd try to really not argue....what good does it do, and it makes you upset?  But if it is important issues, I wouldn't want to not follow my own values either.  Have you talked about the fact that you two don't have any time together, and about trying to find a way to spend more time with each other?  It has to be hard to have a relationship with him if you never see one another, ya know?  You're a wonderful girl and he is lucky you care this much.....are you sure he is getting hit on everyday, or do you think maybe he likes it that you get jealous?  As a bystander, it's hard to tell if he is a "player", or if it is a little bit of insecurity on your part and then him feeding it.  I wish you only the best hon, I hope it all works out in YOUR best interest, and if he is the right one for you, you two need to spend time together and try to make each other happy, not fight and be sad.  Don't know if this helps, but please know that it is my only intent....I just want you happy hon.

Take Care,
~Bilinda~

my3gifts said...

Theresa
This is all my personal opinion from what you have shared. Your self esteem is low girl and Mark is not going to be able to build it up, you have to believe in yourself. We all like to be complimented, but we shouldn't NEED it, you know? If there's a habit he has that any other time you wouldn't even be around, you need to stand your ground on this, tell him "when you're with me, you can't do this". Say if it's smoking, he just can't smoke when he's with you.

The arguing, you said "like married couples". A good healthy marriage shouldn't have a lot of arguing, disagreements will happen even a few argements, but a healthy loving relationship doesn't have arguements stemmed from nearly every conversation. I've been married for over 9 yrs and the longer we're together the less we argue and disagree.  

One thing that seems to be a cycle is you blame yourself for everything. Obviously not everything can be your fault. You have to believe in yourself and realize that just because you and Mark have different idea's and opinions does not mean that you're wrong, you're just different.

Maybe write out a list of the things you are just not negotiable on, a list of things that you prefer to have in a man, and find out if Mark is really the guy for you. I say just ask him outright if he's willing to compromise, is he willing to do things that he may not completely enjoy, but that you really love to do. Maybe he doesn't realize how you are feeling on that. As much as we want them to be, they're NOT mind readers and they really can be that clueless. You are just going to have to put it out there for him, and then see what or if he's willing to do for you and your relationship. If he's not willing, then being friends is probably all you're meant to be.

There's always compromise in every relationship, but both people have to be willing to compromise some for it to be healthy.

God Bless

eml625 said...

I dont want to say this, but I dont think he's right for you. I'm SORRY - just based on what you say, YOU dont seem happy, your trying to be happy with him, but your not, overall. There are alot of guys out there, remember that. Go ! have fun with some, or alot or one more guy !!!
love ya
Ellen

misscarberry said...

Take it from me, if you're not entirely happy, you need to sit down and talk about it. If you feel you can't do that, write him a letter or send him an email. In every relationship, you worry someone is gonna steal your man, but you just have to trust them, just like they have to trust you. But it seems wrong that he's ringing you about it! Is he bragging or something? It just doesn't seem right. When B and I argue, I'm always right too, and I do brag, but B knows I'm joking. This constant arguing doesn't seem good. I know you want to make this work but from what you write, it seems like you're the only one putting in the effort. Get Mark to put his ass in gear, honey! Tell him he's got a good thing going with you, and if he doesn't respect that, you'll be taking your fine self somewhere else where you'll get the attention and love we all know you deserve.
Love Sam xXx

z7snowflake said...

woah...well, once again I totally feel u on this. Its hard to know what to do and what not to do when u haven't had any experience in a serious relationship. If your like I am, what I think you may be doing is self sabotage. When you get scared of getting hurt. Right now Im scared too. This is a good step tho, realizing that you have been wrong sometimes. We think too much girl, well think until we drive ourselves nuts. Sometimes I feel like, I just would rather not being in a relationship, so I wont have to worry anymore...but then, when you love someone...you dont really have a choice...I guess. I dont know. I feel like crying right now. But anyway, what Im trying to say is...no matter what happens, dont let noone tell you wether ur in love or not. Only you can know this in your heart. Dont think about it. Just close ur eyes and feel. Love has no words or reasons that can define what it feels like. Just close ur eyes and and let your heart speak to you.

linnpooh said...

Theresa,
I always hate to tell you how I feel about this because I never want you to be mad at me and it's also really none of my business...whatever you decide, I will support you. However, with that said, you have known for a long time I don't feel this is the relationship for you on many, many, levels. You are worthy of someone who makes you feel loved, special, and desired......and should never settle for anything less than that. Love or a good relationship should lift you up, not pull you down, it is where you should turn for solace, not turn to others for solace from it. There will always be disagrements and arguing in a relationship because we are human after all, but fighting? Fighting constantly? No Theresa.....that's not right nor how it should be, and if it's happening so young in your relationship, I can't even imagine what the future holds for you as a couple. You must do what you think is right for you because only you truly know how things are with Mark. But let me tell you something as a Mom.....God gave you everything you need to make this decision, just listen to it. You are a smart, beautiful, determined, young lady with a fabulous future ahead of you.....don't sell yourself short because you think that this may be all you will ever have. Step back and read everything you just wrote objectivly and think of how you would react if this were Lisa in a relationship where she is not nutured, or even her daughter....what would you think of the guy and what would you think they deserve and should do? Treat yourself no less....

I'm here if you want to talk.

Love You!
Linda~

therealslimemmy said...

sigh.
i miss times like this
you need to do whats right in your heart
would you be happier without all of this?
or
would you miss it?
only you will know
ly
emily