Monday, July 10, 2006

Reality Check

So I am sitting here about to pour my heart out to all of you, once again!

yesterday was a day for a reality check, and man did it come and cash out ....

almost bounced, but it went through!

I layed around and didn't really do much but watch t.v. and compare it to my life ......

then I read more of my book (The Stork Reality) and thought about my future and how could I compare it to my future!

Then Mark called and we have been having quite a few "serious" talks ....

and I have known for a while, just not admitting to it, that we could NEVER be a couple ...

we argue too much and we are too alike ....

it just would never work!

Well we went to eat (Well he did I just went along to what I thought would just be us spending time together trying to make it work) and it ended up being the end!

We both agreed on how we know that we are not meant for each other and we asked each other's opinions until it all began sinking into my head ......

this was it, this was the end ....

there was no more getting excited when he called .....

no more getting excited when he stopped by to see me at work, no more being the girl that he was trying for ....

there would be a NEW chick ....

I bet she would be prettier than me, skinner than me, more fun than me, more open to him than me ....

I just beagn to think that I would HAVE to live with seeing him with some OTHER girl on his arm ....

and if my gut feeling is right .....

this will all happen in a matter of days, maybe weeks before I found out ....

but I do feel there already is another girl, and he may have started tlaking to her and then realized I was not the one he wanted anymore then broke the news to me so that he could have this other chick!

But I thought LONG & HARD about how I really feel .....

I know it will take time for me to be completely over him ....

considering I tried a lot of new things with him .....

But I know I can pull through it ......

I could not go to sleep until almost 2 because I was bawling my eyes out about him and Life in general ....

and something that for some unknown reason is becoming a habit for me ....

is that when I get this upset about a guy knowing that it can't be what I want it to be, I get SO sick to my stomach and start puking ....

I used to not be like that ....

it just happened for the first time 2 years ago when my boyfriend stopped calling me and answering my calls and I went to his house and well I won't get into it, but it got ugly for my feelings and I just started puking in the grass!

It happened a little while back when Mark was still working at my mall and we had a pretty big disagreement, I got REALLY sick that night ....

and then it happened again last night ...

it has become this NASTY habit for me and I don'tknow how it started or how to end it!

So anyways I finally fell asleep crying and jumped straight up out of my sleep at 5:30am and was not able to go back to sleep ....

I think it made it worse because I knew at 7:00am I had to get up and call him so he could get ready for work ... then I had to begin to get ready for work!

Now I sit here with a better attitude towards the situation ....

He was a learning experience for me and that's it ......

God has good intentions and has made this happen for a reason ....

I am sorry if anything is spelled wrong but there is no time for me to do a spell check ...

I must run off to work ....

and face more reality!

5 comments:

therealslimemmy said...

keep your head up hun
were here in you need to talk.
it will all be ok.
one of these days you are going to find the exact one you are looking for and laugh about him.
i know you dont want to hear it now
but its true.
as for the puking think i can sort of relate.  i did that a lot last summer when i suffered from my panic attacks...i'd get so worked up and just throw up.
not fun.
take care
i'm here if you need me
<3, emily

z7snowflake said...

Im so sorry that things with you and Mark are over. I know its hard. But if ur not together anymore why do you have to keep calling him to wake him up.

misscarberry said...

Oh sweetface, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I remember having the exact same thoughts, lying on my bedroom floor, not being able to breathe, wanting to puke but having nothing cause I stopped eating. There ain't no way around this, you've got to go through it, and when you come out the other side, you'll be wiser. And if he does meet a new chick, she'll NEVER, read that, NEVER be as sweet or caring or as lovely as you. And when you get a new man, he'll be hotter, more caring and everything you dream of because you deserve it. You're in my thoughts babe.
Love Sam xXx

misscarberry said...

I just read the bit about calling him so he could get ready for work. Excuse my language but FUCK THAT! Make him do it his damn self. Or give me his number and I'll call him, mwah ha ha *evil grin*
Love Sam xXx

eml625 said...

Live and learn hun.....you WILL be better for this. You know your doing the right thing, it just hurts right now. The pain wont last forever.
Take Care of yourself.
hugs,
Ellen