This is so hard for me!
I knew this would be hard but I guess I didn't think this would be the result!!!
I called my paternal grandparents and no one answered the phone and I didn't know how to explain myself on their answering machine so I hung up!!
I got scared and just hung up!
Then I thought this is NOT how I want it to be so I called back and got the machine again ...
so I left probably the STUPIDEST message ever and sounded like an idiot trying to tell my own grandparents who I am and why I am calling after 17 or 18 years!!
I feel like such a dummy!!
This is so so so hard!
I mean I knew it would be hard but I guess I was not expecting to hang the phone up and start bawling! And I can't stop! I stop for a little and just start back up again!
Especially when I replay myself leaving that message!!
What if they don't call me back??
What if they heard that message and thought, "Gawd we are not calling that idiot back!!!"
What have I gotten myself into???
My aunt told me today that when my sister finds out I am calling my grandparents and our father she is going to be pissed ....
well she can be ....
but it has NOTHING to do with her ....
I am my own person and I really think I need this!!!
I miss and love my daddy!
I know how could I miss this man when he did what he did to my family??
I don't know but I do!!!
How could I love him either??
I don't know!
I have ever since I was little and never stopped!
This hurts so bad!!
I think more than anything else on the planet!!!
I would NEVER wish this upon anyone EVER!
This is so horrible!!
I feel like I can't breathe!!
Oh and this is only the beginning b/c in 2 mins I am calling my dad!!
I can't handle this!!!