Friday, July 6, 2007

Phone call to paternal grandparents!!

This is so hard for me!

I knew this would be hard but I guess I didn't think this would be the result!!!

I called my paternal grandparents and no one answered the phone and I didn't know how to explain myself on their answering machine so I hung up!!

I got scared and just hung up!

Then I thought this is NOT how I want it to be so I called back and got the machine again ...

so I left probably the STUPIDEST message ever and sounded like an idiot trying to tell my own grandparents who I am and why I am calling after 17 or 18 years!!

I feel like such a dummy!!

This is so so so hard!

I mean I knew it would be hard but I guess I was not expecting to hang the phone up and start bawling! And I can't stop! I stop for a little and just start back up again!

Especially when I replay myself leaving that message!!

What if they don't call me back??

What if they heard that message and thought, "Gawd we are not calling that idiot back!!!"

What have I gotten myself into???

My aunt told me today that when my sister finds out I am calling my grandparents and our father she is going to be pissed ....

well she can be ....

but it has NOTHING to do with her ....

I am my own person and I really think I need this!!!

I miss and love my daddy!

I know how could I miss this man when he did what he did to my family??

I don't know but I do!!!

How could I love him either??

I don't know!

I have ever since I was little and never stopped!

This hurts so bad!!

I think more than anything else on the planet!!!

I would NEVER wish this upon anyone EVER!

This is so horrible!!

I feel like I can't breathe!!

Oh and this is only the beginning b/c in 2 mins I am calling my dad!!


I can't handle this!!!


misscarberry said...

Like I said before, this has sweet f.a with anyone else. You need to do what's best for you, like your sis needs to do what's best for her. Have you planned what you're going to say to your dad?
Love Sam xXx

tristannmbr2 said...

I know it is Monday now, I would have commented earlier but was out of town this weekend!  But anyway, I really hope everything will work out!  This is God's work girl!  Do what he wants because it will be worth it!  I guess I will read the other days you posted an entry in your journal and comment more!  :)  Hugs!

therealslimemmy said...

i leave messages on machines and always sit and replay them in my head thinking omg wth did i say, lol
when in reality im sure its just our own minds thinking that
im sure they will call